\documentstyle[recipe,11pt,epsf,twoside]{article} \begin{document} \begin{titlepage} \begin{center} \Huge Garnish With Beak \\ \vspace{36 pt} \Large Being \\ \vspace{36 pt} \huge {\it A compilation of fine recipes provided by the talk.bizarre Usenet Community} \\ \large With Assistance from soc.bi and rec.arts.bodyart \\ \huge \vspace{72 pt} Edited By \\ \vspace{72 pt} {\bf S. Dorsey} \\ \normalsize First Edition \\ \end{center} \end{titlepage} \newpage \normalsize \mbox{} \newpage \vspace{3 in} {\it To Kathleen, whose absence ensured the completion of this book} \newpage All the recipes herein have been collected from the regular users of the Usenet newsgroup {\it talk.bizarre}. Some of them have been posted to that group, others sent privately to the editor. Many of them have been adapted from recipes in other cookbooks, and acknowledgement of this is given when this is the case. Over the years between 1986 and 1996, a substantial number of recipes have been posted to the group and have been collected. At the same time, Meredith Tanner (Gypsy) has been collecting additional recipes from people for such a cookbook as this, and happily, she has donated many of them here, to this cookbook. The editor has merely collected these recipes from the community, and has generally verified them as looking okay. Each one of them has been tested by some user, who assures us of its quality, but it must be pointed out that it is the submitter, not the editor who is in full measure responsible for the recipe. This means that if you find a recipe not to your liking, come down with some horrible food allergy, are attacked by killer tofu, or claim your secret family recipe has been stolen, you should take this matter up with the fellow submitting the recipe, and not with the editor. No rights are implied. Please note that some of these recipes are intended to be satirical, and may contain hazardous materials like razor blades, lead salts, ground glass, marijuana, or mayonnaise, among others. You are not expected to actually {\bf use} any of these materials. Take such recipes in the humorous light in which they were intended. Do not consume alcohol if you are under age in the state which you are living. Always look twice whenever you cross the street. Before using Hungarian paprika, make sure to check that it isn't full of disgusting little bugs. Much of the talk.bizarre community over the years is represented here, and it is hoped that you enjoy the food within in some way or another. \newpage % Begin new section \newpage \vspace{6 in} \huge Appetizers \vspace{2 in} \epsffile{ajd.ps} \normalsize \newpage \subsection*{Baba Ghannouj} From Kate McDonnell Apparently ``Baba Ghannouj'' is the name of a comic arab folk character. More to the point it's the name of this eggplant dip. This is a somewhat imprecise recipe because eggplants vary so much in size and consistency \begin{ingredients} \item 3 medium-largish eggplants, or the equivalent \item garlic (4-5 cloves, mashed up, maybe more if you love it) \item olive oil \item lemon juice \item tahini (about half a cup, give or take) \item pepper and salt \item finely chopped parsley \item fresh pita bread to dip, although unsalted corn chips also work okay \end{ingredients} Slice the eggplants lengthwise and brush olive oil on the cut sides. Place them cut side up on cookie sheets or some other flat baking surface and bake in a low oven, about 300\deg, for half an hour to an hour. (In an ideal world you'd roast them on an open fire, which would add a smoky taste to the dip. Try this if you can--I think you'd want to cook them cut side down on a real fire.) Remove the eggplants. Usually there'll be some liquid in the cup-shaped eggplant halves. Toss this out, then scoop the eggplant goop out of the skins. If the eggplant goop is stringy it's best to put the goop into a blender and break the fibers up because they're not very pleasant to scoop up in your dip. If it's smooth, you're in luck. Baba ghannouj has a better texture if you can proceed with a potato masher and a bowl rather than a blender, but use a blender if it seems indicated. Mash or blend up the eggplant a bit. Eyeball your tahini supply and stir it up if it's settled out, then add a few tablespoons of it to the eggplant goop. Work at it with your masher. Probably you will eventually add about half a cup of tahini as you go along. After this it's mostly a matter of pestling away at the mixture, adding the rest of the tahini, the mashed garlic and other things to taste. When you've got it where you want it, put it in a nice bowl, sprinkle the parsley on the surface, and chill for an hour or 2 before serving. Alternatively, forget the decorations, open your package of pita bread and pig out right away, but it is better slightly chilled. Makes a reasonably big bowl. Like I say, it's a rather imprecise recipe. \subsection*{Soft Soup} This is from annie, who says that it's also known as Menopause Soup, due to the naturally occurring form of estrogen found in the tofu. This creamy (yet completely non-dairy) soup is simplicity itself. It is light in flavor and texture, yet filling, with an interesting asian flair to it. Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 TBL oil \item 1 medium onion, sliced (not chopped) \item 2 cloves garlic, minced or pressed \item 1 tsp curry powder \item 2 tsp ground coriander \item 2 tsp ground cumin \item 4 C chicken or vegetable stock \item 2 C coarsely chopped cauliflower \item 8 oz. medium-firm tofu, cubed \item 1 tsp salt \item 3 TBL lemon juice \end{ingredients} Heat oil in a 4-quart soup pot. Add onion and cook gently, stirring occasionally, until soft (about 10 minutes). (While the onions are cooking, you will have plenty of time to prepare the rest of the ingredients--just remember to stir the onions once in a while.) When the onions are soft, stir in garlic, curry powder, coriander, and cumin and cook, stirring, for 1 minute. Add stock, cauliflower, tofu, and salt. Bring to a boil over high heat. Cover and reduce heat, simmering until cauliflower is tender (about 8 to 10 minutes). Remove from heat and whirl soup, in batches, in a food processor or blender until smooth. Return to pot and add lemon juice. Reheat, stirring, until steaming. This recipe takes well to the addition of sauteed mushrooms of your choice--white, shiitake, crimini, wild. And, the lemon juice can be half lemon, half lime. Makes about 4 servings. \subsection*{Salsa One} Jonathan Byrd Salsa ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 doz. tomatillos, simmered in water for ~15 min \item 4-6 cloves of garlic \item 1 small onion \item 4-6 jalape\~{n}os (stem and seeds removed) \item 1 tsp salt \end{ingredients} Puree in blender, refrigerate for 2-3 days. HELPFUL HINT: If you remove the jalape\~{n}o seeds with your fingers, don't pick your nose for a while. \subsection*{Salsa Two} Joni Johnson \begin{ingredients} \item 2 cups tomatoes, finely chopped \item 2 green onions, with tops, chopped \item 2 garlic cloves, minced \item 1 teaspoon or more minced fresh jalape\~{n}o or chile of choice \item 2 teaspoons olive or vegetable oil \item 2 teaspoons or more fresh lime juice \item 8-10 sprigs of fresh cilantro/coriander \item salt to taste \end{ingredients} Mix everything together, adjust flavors by adding salt, chilies, or lime juice. Refrigerate up to 2 days. Makes 2 cups. % Begin new section \newpage \vspace{6 in} \huge Main Courses \vspace{2 in} \epsffile{eric-dominus.ps} \normalsize \newpage \subsection*{Broiled Meat and Vegetables with Yogurt - Feta Dip} (There Is No Kabob) \\ Meredith Tanner (merde@@well.com) \\ Take: \begin{ingredients} \item Meat (chicken pieces, lamb chops, hunks of beef, or fish steaks) \item Vegetables (tomatoes, onions, mushrooms, artichoke hearts, olives, whatever else looks good) \end{ingredients} Marinate in: \begin{ingredients} \item Olive oil \item White or red wine, depending on the meat \item Lots of: fresh garlic black pepper oregano and rosemary \end{ingredients} Throw this in a pan and broil it until it's done. Meanwhile, make the dipping sauce. \\ Sauce: \begin{ingredients} \item Equal amounts plain yogurt and feta cheese \item A bunch of fresh garlic (one good-size clove per cup of sauce should do) \item Black pepper and oregano to taste \end{ingredients} Serve with rice. \subsection*{Chow Foon} Chow foon not har moon! ``Hunan chow foon better than chow foon at HOUSE OF POON!'' says Reverend Moon. \begin{ingredients} \item 5 tablespoons peanut oil \item 1/2 lb. beef \item 2 teaspoons brown bean sauce \item 2 oz. package of dry cellophane noodles \item 1 1/2 tablespoons light soy sauce \item 1 scallion, chopped fine \item sesame oil \item 1/2 beaten egg \item 1 teaspoon cornstarch \item 1/4 teaspoon salt \end{ingredients} Pour boiling water over the cellophane noodles and soak them until they are soft, then drain them. Shred the beef, and mix it with the egg, the cornstarch, the salt, and 1/4 teaspoon of sesame oil. Heat three tablespoons of the peanut oil, add the beef mixture and stirfry until done (about two minutes). Remove and set aside, then heat 2 more tablespoons of peanut oil, add the brown bean sauce, and quickly stir fry it for a few seconds, until it softens and gets even. Then, toss in the cellophane noodles and stir well. Add the soy sauce, and mix it in well as the noodles fry. Add the beef mixture in, and stirfry until the mixture is quite dry. Add another few drops of sesame oil mix well, and serve. \subsection*{Red Beans and Rice (One of them Bachelor throw-together things)} Eric Scheirer (eds@@media.mit.edu) \\ Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item Four strips bacon, chopped into pieces \item Two medium onions, diced \item Spoonful of garlic from a little jar (maybe 4 cloves, minced) \item Four stalks celery, no leaves, diced \item One (1-lb) kielbasa, cut in 1/4" cubes \item Two (15-oz) cans red kidney beans \item One cup uncooked rice \item One can cheap flat beer (the cheaper, the better) \item Water \item Tabasco, basil, black pepper, chili powder \end{ingredients} Fry bacon in dutch oven or other large pot -- I use the same one I cook pasta in. Do not drain. When bacon is approaching doneness, add onion, garlic, and celery. Saute until onion is just browning but still limp. Drain kidney beans, reserving liquid. Add beer to liquid; add water to make 2.5 cups liquid in all. Add kielbasa, liquid, rice, beans to pot. Bring to boil. Add 1 t black pepper, 1 tsp each basil and chili powder. Add {\bf half} of the Tabasco you're going to want in it. Reduce heat, cover and simmer halfhour. Add rest of Tabasco (Tabasco changes flavor when cooked). Serve with crusty bread and good beer. If everything works properly, it all cooks down to a sort of slop consistency that can be served on plates and eaten with forks rather than with bowls and spoons. \\ Alterations: \begin{instructions} \item Use ham and/or chicken instead of/in addition to kielbasa \item Add little bitty shrimp (cooked) after reducing heat \item More healthy-like: Use olive oil instead of bacon, leftover chicken breast instead of kielbasa, all water and no beer. \item Vegetarian: Use olive oil instead of bacon; crushed tomatoes and diced green and red peppers instead of kielbasa; add a quarter cup of parmesan cheese just before serving. \end{instructions} \subsection*{Baked Fish to Raise your Blood Pressure} From Annie. WARNING: If you are fat-phobic, don't bother making this recipe. Substitutions DON'T work. Period. Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item Any fresh, non-oily white-fish fillets (pollock or cod f'instance) \item Mayonnaise (kraft or hellman's, NOT ``salad dressing'' or that weird, low-fat stuff with unidentifiable ingredients on the label) \item ``Lemon and pepper'' seasoning \item ``Seasoned salt'' seasoning \item Grated parmesan or romano cheese \item ``Paprika'' seasoning \end{ingredients} Tools: \begin{ingredients} \item An oven-proof pan big enough to lay the fish flat in, and with high enough sides that covering it with foil won't cause the foil to touch the fish) \item Aluminum foil (or a fitted cover for the fish pan) \end{ingredients} Instructions: \begin{instructions} \item pre-heat oven to 400\deg F \item make sure you've taken all the bones out of the fish \item lightly butter the pan, or spray it with Pam \item lay the fish in the pan \item spread an even layer of mayo on the fillets (cover the fillets) \item sprinkle lightly with lemon and pepper seasoning \item sprinkle lightly (very lightly!) with seasoned salt \item sprinkle generously (to cover) with parmesan cheese \item sprinkle generously with paprika \item cover tightly and bake at 400\deg for 10 minutes, or until fish flakes easily with a fork \end{instructions} It's good. When baked with the parmesan cheese and spices, most mayo-haters and mayo-lovers alike can't even tell it's mayo. And I've had avowed fish haters try a bite and suddenly decide they like fish after all. [shrug] It's not much of a recipe to look at, but it has many hidden charms. Also, you can put diced fresh tomato on top before baking. \subsection*{Voodoo Death Chicken} (Based on, but scarier than, a Nigerian recipe.) \\ From Gypsy \\ Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 4 boneless chicken breasts \item lime juice \item red onions (for a prettier dish) \item chilies \item black pepper \item rice (jasmine rice is best.) \end{ingredients} Combine lime juice, onions, chilies, and black pepper to make a marinade. Put the chicken in a single layer in a baking dish or other glass container, and cover with the marinade. seal the dish with plastic wrap and and refrigerate for about 30 minutes. Remove the chicken from the marinade and grill over a high flame until browned. (It isn't necessary for it to be done all the way through.) Remove chicken from grill and simmer it in the marinade for about 15 minutes. Serve over rice, topped with the cooked marinade. Be sure to provide lots of water. You will need it. Ideally, this dish should be followed by lemon sorbet, which will taste positively bland and sugary by comparison. \subsection*{ginger tofu} From Kate This doesn't sound fancy, and I cooked it up once just because it used up ingredients from some more ambitious recipe, but I've made it often since and it's actually quite yummy without being tricky to make. \begin{ingredients} \item 1 lb. tofu (plain, medium to firm texture) \item fresh ginger \item 1 onion \item 1 to 5 cloves garlic, to taste \item neutral oil like sunflower seed oil \item toasted sesame seed oil \item mirin \item soy sauce \item black sesame seeds \end{ingredients} You don't need a wok for this, although it will work fine. I usually use my big cast-iron pan. Toss in a couple tablespoons of neutral oil and a spritz of the sesame oil and heat up medium-high. slice the onion into segments (you know, picture an orange, that sort of cut), smash or sliver as much garlic as you like, and grate the ginger-- I usually grate up as much as 1/4 cup because I love the stuff. toss these things into the hot oil and cook them until the onions are transparent. Stir fairly often to make sure nothing catches and starts to burn. Dry off the chunk of tofu as much as you can and slice it into medium dice. Move the onion and stuff aside and toss the dice into the middle. Cook at medium heat, stirring and tossing every few minutes until at least 3 sides of each tofu cube are browned, and possibly more. (If you cook the tofu less the dish will tend to be bland.) When the tofu seems to be done, toss in a good pinch of black sesame seeds and spritz in some mirin and soy sauce. There will be some hissing when you add the sauces. Just keep stirring the mixture and spritz a little extra soy and maybe another shake of sesame oil until the whole mixture seems to be well flavored and tasty. I usually make this dish when I have some cold cooked rice on hand, and at the end I add the rice to the main dish and, adding a little extra soy sauce, I mix everything together until the rice is reheated and flavored with the general mixture. This isn't a classy thing to do but it tastes fine. Either white or brown rice will do. Of course you can also serve it in a classier manner over freshly steamed brown or white rice. The one drawback to this dish is its fairly monochromatic and dull appearance, but having tried adding slivered sweet red pepper to the dish i can say that it doesn't need any extra flavors. Maybe it would look more appealing if served alongside a second more colorful dish over rice, but it's actually a nicely balanced dish for flavor. \subsection*{Richh Sandwich} Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 underage girls with oversized breasts \item 1 Richh \item 00Saltgirl to taste \end{ingredients} The preparation is left as an exercise to the student. \subsection*{Arifel's Honey-Soy Chicken Wings} From Dava Kingsley. A recipe. Arifel is a troll that I know, a real, lurk-under-the-bridge-and-scare-little-children troll. Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item chicken wings (No more than fifty, no less than four. Otherwise, as many as you feel you can eat, which is, if you're a troll, ALL of them). \item honey soy sauce (Now, this can be tricky for a troll, as unless you have a bottle of it, requires mixing two ingredients. this only leaves you eight fingers to count on. so, i'd better break that up into its components: \item honey (A large jar of it.) \item soy sauce (A large bottle of it.)) \item oven (Sort of required, really, unless you like raw chicken. must have a temperature control and an oven door that closes.) \item oven tray (Big enough to hold all of the chicken wings.) \item tongs (For handling hot chicken wings.) \item oven gloves (For handling hot oven trays.) \item plate (For putting hot cooked food on. This stops the sauce from getting all over your lap.) \item cold water (For running over your burned fingers to make them feel better.) \end{ingredients} Remove OVEN TRAY from the oven and arrange the CHICKEN WINGS in it. Coat them with HONEY. Coat them with SOY SAUCE. Be SUBTLE; don't use ALL of the honey or the soy sauce. Go to the CD player and put on a Sugarcubes CD. Sorry, i don't know how that got in there. Put the OVEN TRAY in the OVEN and close the oven door. Turn the temperature control up to 180 degrees celsius. Stand there for a few minutes to make sure the oven is actually heating up and it isn't one of those tricky gas oven things that need to be lit. Go away for about half an hour. Come back, open the door and, using the TONGS, pull the OVEN TRAY one-third of the way out. Turn the CHICKEN WINGS OVER, push the TRAY back in with your fingers. Shout `OW!', close the OVEN DOOR and run some COLD WATER over your fingers. Wait another twenty minutes, then turn the OVEN's temperature control to zero. Open the OVEN DOOR, remove the TRAY with the OVEN GLOVES and put it on top of the OVEN. Using the TONGS, move the CHICKEN WINGS to the PLATE. eat them. Leave the mess for flatmate to clean up. Simple! \subsection*{President Bongo's Barbecue Sauce} \begin{ingredients} \item 1 cup olive oil (you can use the cheap stuff here) \item 1 cup peach juice \item 1/2 cup vinegar (balsamic gives a nice taste, but this is mostly for pH) \item 5 tbs. dried basil \item 10 tbs. dried oregano \item 2 tbs. celery seed \item 2 cloves garlic, finely chopped. \end{ingredients} Mix together well. If you wish a smoother mixture, feel free to add lecithin. You may also add much larger amounts of basil and oregano, or substitute fresh herbs. Peach juice is the active ingredient here, as it contains an enzyme which will break down the fat in the meat slightly and make it considerably more tender. Do not substitute anything else. You can make the stuff yourself with a cider press, or ask a local cidery to press some for you. It may be available commercially, but is not so in bongoland. This works very nice on a flank steak, or whomever you wish barbequed. Very nice on venison, too. \subsection*{Marinade for the Multitudes} Annie's great all-purpose, meat or veggie marinade \begin{ingredients} \item 2 onions, sliced not chopped \item 1 carrot, sliced \item 1 stalk of celery, sliced \item 1/2 tsp. garlic powder \item 2 tsp. salt \item 1/8 tsp. fresh ground pepper \item 1 bay leaf, crushed (be sure to remove all pieces of bay leaf from the food before you cook it--eating slivers of bay leaf can be very bad for your gut. It can even slice little holes in it!) \item 1 1/2 C water \item 1/2 C salad oil (olive, peanut, corn, safflour, canola--your choice) \item 1/2 C vinegar (cider or red wine vinegar preferably) \item 1/2 C wine (red or white--depends on what flavor you want--usually red for meats and white for veggies, but there's no hard and fast rule) \end{ingredients} \subsection*{Bachelor/ette Pasta} From Annie Boil up some cheese-filled or meat-filled bits of pasta if you have any (tortellini, f'instance). While it's cooking, slice up a bunch of butter into the bowl you'll eventually pour the hot (drained) pasta into. Add the cooked pasta and stir until the butter melts. Add more butter if you like. Then add some vinegar, dribbled on to taste, and lots and lots of black pepper. Stir and enjoy. Things to add to the boiling pasta to jazz up the finished dish: \begin{ingredients} \item frozen broccoli \item frozen green beans \end{ingredients} \subsection*{Fish a la Face} Shamelessly ripped off from an improvisation by Bill ``Face'' Kistler by Meredith Tanner (merde@@well.com) \\ Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item Fish (preferably fish of a white variety; tuna steaks are nice as well, but don't ruin salmon with this) \item Onion \item Soy sauce \item Butter \item Lemons \item Oregano \item Paprika \end{ingredients} Clean the fish and throw it in a baking dish Slice the onion and spread out the rings on top of the fish. Cut the lemon into wedges, squeeze the wedges over the fish, and throw them in. Cut up some butter, however much you like, and throw that in too. Season this mess with several dashes of soy sauce and as much oregano and paprika as you feel like dealing with. Bake in a 350\deg oven until fish is done. Fish out the lemon wedges and discard them before serving. \subsection*{Baked Salmon} Dawn Whiteside (dawn@@dynix.ca.us) \\ Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 whole baby pacific salmon, 3-5 lb. \item Generous 1/2 cup white wine \item 1 smushed (sic) clove garlic \item Chives \item Parsley \item Marjoram \item Thyme \item Sage \item Dry mustard \item Black pepper \item Vegetables (optional) \end{ingredients} Clean and dress the salmon. Leave the head on or remove it if you're squeamish about that sort of thing. Put the wine and herbs, etc. (preferably fresh, use your own judgement when it comes to amounts) in a small saucepan and simmer for half an hour. If you've got plenty of time, marinate the salmon in the herbed wine. Place the salmon in a lightly oiled (olive oil) open baking dish. If you like the bottom side of the fish to look pretty, use aluminum foil under the fish. Pour the herbed wine (not strained) over the fish. If you're a fan of meal-in-a-dish cookery, toss some new potatoes or other veggies in the dish with the salmon to cook in the juices. Bake at 400\deg F for 30-40 minutes, until the flesh flakes easily with a fork. \subsection*{Pasta with Prosciutto} Meredith Tanner (merde@@well.com) Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 lb. Pasta (I use spinach fettucine because it's green) \item 4 roma tomatoes, chopped \item 1 large onion, sliced thinly \item 6 oz. Prosciutto (or smoked salmon), cut into strips \item 1/4 cup black olives, sliced \item 1/4 cup marinated red bell peppers, cut into strips (I get these at Trader Joe's; they're marinated in what is basically Italian salad dressing, so you could do this yourself) \item 4 shiitake mushrooms, cut into strips (I use dried ones and soak them in warm water for a while; if you're in a hurry, you can throw them in to boil with the pasta) \item 4 large cloves of garlic, minced, smashed, pressed, or otherwise processed to your liking \item Olive oil \item Lots of: basil oregano freshly ground black pepper \end{ingredients} Do the usual thing with the pasta. In the meantime, saute the vegetables and spices lightly in olive oil. (Don't overcook them; it's best when the onion and tomato are still mostly raw.) When the pasta is drained, throw it in a bowl, dump in the vegetables, and add the prosciutto or smoked salmon. Toss until everything is mixed and the meat or fish is warmed. I serve this with grated romano cheese and minced fresh parsley on top. \subsection*{Random's Only Recipe} Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item A bunch of velveeta \item Jimmy Dean sausage \item A couple cans of ro-tel \end{ingredients} Melt velveeta in crockpot. Fry sausage then crumble into velveeta, adding ro-tel, too. Cook until blazing hot and thoroughly smooth. eat with chips, then bloat. \subsection*{Simple Tomato Sauce} From Annie. It's a cold, cold night out here in the east, and I've whipped up a tasty tomato-based sauce to combat the chill. It's easy, one-pan cooking if ever there was (provided you have a few spices on hand). The list of ingredients seems long, but not to worry. All measurements are approximate. \begin{ingredients} \item 5-6 C canned tomato products (I last used a pint of whole tomatoes and their juice, about 16 oz. of tomato puree, a 4 oz. can of tomato paste and 4 oz. of water) \item Half of a 10 oz. package of fresh mushrooms, sliced \item 1 TBL onion powder \item 2 tsp garlic powder \item 1 bay leaf \item 3/4 tsp sugar \item 1/4 to 1/2 tsp basil \item 1/4 to 1/2 tsp oregano \item Pinch of crushed red pepper flakes \item Large pinch of rosemary \item Dash of salt and a few grinds of pepper \end{ingredients} Cover and simmer the above ingredients, gently on very low heat for half an hour. Add: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 medium to small zucchini, unpeeled, cut into chunks \item A Handful of chopped fresh parsley \item A dash more sugar \end{ingredients} Cover and simmer gently on very low heat for another half hour, or until the zucchini is tender. Serve over couscous, rice or pasta. \subsection*{Ambitious Tomato Sauce} From Annie. This is a pasta sauce for the cook who has two hours to prepare it. (One hour if you don't wish to have meatballs with it.) It's not difficult to prepare, but does require the use of a food processor or blender. The flavor is slightly sweet, with complex undertones and a fabulous aroma. \subsubsection*{STEP ONE} Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 76 oz (roughly) canned tomatoes (combination of crushed and whole) \item 4 oz can tomato paste \item 1 medium onion, peeled and *quartered* \item 1 medium carrot, trimmed and chopped into 5 or 6 big chunks \item 1/4 stalk (no more) of celery, whole \item 3 cloves garlic, peeled and roughly squashed a bit (large cloves will tend to break in half--this is fine) \item 1 bay leaf \item 1 tsp oregano \item 1 tsp basil \item 1/8 to 1/4 tsp crushed red pepper flakes \item 1/2 tsp sugar \item 1/2 tsp Worcestershire sauce \item 2 tsp parsley flakes (optional) \end{ingredients} Simmer all ingredients somewhat briskly, partially covered, for 1 hour. You want to leave the lid far enough cracked to allow water vapor to escape and the sauce to reduce down a bit. Stir occasionally and turn the flame down if the sauce seems to be sticking to the pan bottom. \subsubsection*{STEP TWO} After 1 hour, all veggies should be nice and soft. Put the sauce, veggies and all, through a food processor or a blender. Pour the blended sauce through a metal strainer back into the pot. This will remove seeds or other undesirable chewy bits. It's now ready to eat...unless you want meatballs too. \subsubsection*{STEP THREE} Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 lb lean ground meat--beef, pork , veal or turkey (or any combination of those) \item 1 egg \item 1/4 to 1/3 C grated romano cheese (yay! lactose free!) \item 1/2 tsp garlic powder \item 1/2 to 1 tsp onion powder \item 1/4 to 1/2 tsp oregano \item 1/4 tsp thyme \item 1 to 2 tsp parsley flakes, or 1/4 C fresh chopped parsley \item 1/4 to 1/3 C bread crumbs (optional) \item salt and pepper to taste (optional) \end{ingredients} Mix all ingredients thoroughly. Form into 10 to 12 balls and place in sauce. Simmer, fully covered, for 1 hour. Stir occasionally, turning down the flame if it seems to be boiling too rapidly or sticking to the pan. \subsection*{Linguini With Clam Sauce} Joshua Geller (joshua@@cae.retix.co) Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item Tablespoon olive oil \item 8 cloves garlic \item 4 green onions \item 1/2 cup white wine \item 24 ounces (I think: two large cans) canned clams (or a whole bunch of fresh clams (very large bunch (you need some clam juice too))) \item Salt to taste \item Freshly ground black pepper to taste \item Slew of oregano \item Freshly ground parmesan cheese \end{ingredients} Slice garlic in coarse chunks, green onions in slices. Heat olive oil in very hot skillet, add garlic and onions. When garlic starts to turn white, add clams. Lower heat to simmer. Add remaining ingredients except for cheese. Cook linguini firm (five minutes). Place cooked linguini in deep dish, sprinkle cheese, mound sauce. Serves like two or three depending how greedy you are. \subsection*{Nucular Chicken Sandwich} Bryan O'Sullivan (bosullvn@@maths.tcd.ie) Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item chicken breast \item small ciabatta loaf \item parsley \item thyme \item cumin \item paprika \item lemon juice \item honey \item olive oil \item tabasco sauce \item crushed chillies \end{ingredients} Take the chicken breast. Flatten it out with the flat of a cleaver, and cut shallow lines along it. Get some lettuce. Chop it up. Take the ciabatta loaf, or some other sort of crusty bread roll of your choice and the appropriate dimensions. Split it and toast lightly while you take the spices, honey, lemon juice (or white wine vinegar), tabasco sauce, and olive oil, mush them together (you don't need much; about two tablespoonsful all told) and coat the chicken breast in the mix. Superheat a frying pan. Put the ring on full blast. Go open all the windows and turn the extractor fan on full. When the pan is {\bf very} hot, pour a little oil on and throw the chicken on. There will be smoke all over the shop. Keep turning the chicken, and pour on a little oil every so often, for one or two minutes. The outer flesh and spicy stuff should go black. Turn the ring down to normal frying temperature, and continue to fry for another five minutes or so. Spread some mayo on the warm toasty bread. Put the lettuce on. Throw your now-cooked chicken on, and pop the other half of the bread on top. Eat. Enjoy. \subsection*{Son of Nucular Chicken Sandwich - the Cranberries Strike Back} Marcie Jones (jones\_m\@@csvax1.ucc.ie) Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item chicken breast \item small ciabatta loaf \item cranberry sauce \item garlic salt \item sage and onion stuffing \end{ingredients} Take the chicken breast. Sprinkle on garlic salt to taste. Fry it up in the pan. Split the ciabatta loaf and toast it lightly. Smoosh it with cranberry sauce. Slap the chicken on. Smoosh the stuffing on top. Pop the other half of the ciabatta on top. Eat. Enjoy. \subsection*{Special Lasagna} Joshua Geller Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 lb hot 'italian' (fennel) sausage \item 2 lb lean ground beef prepared as follows: chop fine 10 cloves garlic and half ared onion add in bowl to a half cup red wine, half teaspoon ground fresh black pepper and quarter teaspoon salt. mix thoroughly with ground beef and let stand in refrigerator overnight. \item 3 large red bell peppers \item 3 large green bell peppers skin and reserve three pounds fresh tomatos (or use 1 humongous can stewed tomatos (two+ pounds?)) and 3 cans tomato paste. prepare sauce as follows: if using fresh tomatos, cover with water, bring to a full boil and immediately reduce heat. if using stewed tomatos heat until simmering and add tomato paste, 1 teaspoon salt, 1 teaspoon black pepper, 2 teaspoons sugar, five cloves finely minced garlic, bunch oregano (preferably fresh), bunch parsley (ditto) and three bay leaves. stir occasionally on low heat until thick (2 hours or so). cool and reserve. \item 2 lb ricotta \item 1 lb provolone shredded \item 1 lb mozarella shredded \item 1/4 lb romano shredded. \item bunch fresh spinach. \item olive oil \item large amount of lasagna. \end{ingredients} Chop sausage fine and cook in skillet with beef. Drain excess grease and set aside. Slice peppers thin and clean spinach. cook lasagna til firm and soak in cold water, drain. Take large, deep baking dish, grease with olive oil and layer with of noodles, peppers, meat, provolone and mozarella, spinach, ricotta, noodles, peppers, meat, spinach, ricotta etc. Finish with a layer noodles and sprinkle romano. Bake on low heat for three hours. Serves four people for a week and like revenge is best eaten cold. \subsection*{Papal Shark} Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 pound 3/4" shark fillets (it is important to parse the preceding phrase correctly; having done so, most types of shark meat will do -- mako, thresher, whatever) \item 1 large onion \item Quarter cup lime or lemon juice \item 1 cup frozen coconut ``milk'' (the canned coconut cream made by a combination of the milk and the fat from the pulp; do not substitute fresh coconut milk alone) \end{ingredients} Be it noted that all proportions are approximate. Choose the shark carefully. (Fresh good shark is delicious; old shark is rancid and acidic beyond belief.) Mince onion extremely fine; mix with juice and coconut milk to form a thick soupy marinade. Marinate shark steaks in a Pyrex dish for one to two hours, turning occasionally. Spoon marinade on top of steaks, and bake in a 375\deg F oven for 40 minutes or until done. The shark should be tender and moist (not flakey like most fish) and the marinade should have baked to a thick paste atop the shark meat. Sublime. (Do not consume if you have heart trouble or worry about cholesterol.) Garnish with razor-studded jawbone. Serves 2-4. \subsection*{AjD's Extra-Non-Wimpy Vegan Stirfry} Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item One pound of extra-firm tofu \item Mustard powder \item Soy sauce \item Canola oil \item Two large stalks of broccoli \item Two to three large bell peppers \item One large onion \item Hot Hungarian peppers to taste (at least two) \item As many cloves of garlic as you can bear to add \item Fists full of bean sprouts \item Snow peas to taste \item Cumin \item Tarragon \item Thyme \end{ingredients} In a small cup, mix mustard powder and soy sauce until it becomes a runny paste. Chop up the peppers and onion as small as you can, slice the garlic thinly, and chop the broccoli into large chunks. Don't chop the sprouts or peas at all. Slice the block of tofu into rectangular strips. Heat up 2/3 cup of oil in a wok on high. Drop a couple spoonfuls of the mustard paste onto the oil: it should float on top and sputter a bit. Flash-fry batches of tofu in the oil, replenishing the mustard paste from time to time. The tofu should come out with dark brown streaks on it. When all the tofu is fried this way, set it aside and drain the wok of excess oil. Heat up half a cup of oil in the wok on medium. Add the onions first and fry until clear, then add the garlic and hot peppers and fry until the peppers are soft (for a milder stirfry, add the garlic and hot peppers first). Progressively add the bell peppers, broccoli, and snow peas, and then the bean sprouts. When everything is just about cooked, add cumin, tarragon, and thyme to taste, as well as a little more soy sauce. Finally, stir in the tofu and immediately remove from heat and serve with rice. This recipe won't be very salty at all; let the diners add soy sauce to taste. Offer any leftover mustard paste as a condiment. For a Japanese-ish taste, add wasabi powder to the paste when cooking the tofu. Serves four to six. \subsection*{Pizza} From Kludge. This recipe for pizza comes from a lot of different sources. The dough is very far from authentic, but works out quite well, and was given to Hallie by her grandmother Rose. The sauce is mostly my grandmother's, but with quite a few things added. The first step involved is to make the dough: \begin{ingredients} \item 1/4 cup sugar \item 1 heaping teaspoon salt \item 2 tablespoons butter \item 1 cup milk \item 1 1/3 cup hot water \item 1 1/2 package yeast (more if going to freeze) \item 6 cups scant flour \end{ingredients} Dissolve yeast in water (be careful-if water is too hot is will kill yeast). Mix all ingredients except flour in large bowl. Add flour (sometimes need more or less than the full 6 cups) Knead well. Pat top of dough with butter. Cover with towel or wax paper and put in warm place. Let dough double size, knead down. Let rise double size again. When it's risen the second time, pull it out and roll it onto a conventional pizza pan. The second stop is to make the sauce. We recommend beginning the sauce while the dough is doing its first rise, although of course it cannot hurt to simmer the sauce for longer. You can keep it going for a couple of days without hurting it, as long as you keep adding water. \begin{ingredients} \item 1 sm can paste \item 1 fresh paste tomato, chopped \item 1/8 cup basil \item 1/8 cup oregano \item 1 tsp celery seed \item 1/4 cup red wine \item tiny amounts of salt \item larger amounts of pepper \item water \item 3 cloves garlic \item 2 tbs. olive oil \end{ingredients} Dice the garlic, then brown it in the olive oil at the bottom of a large saucepan. Add the tomato paste and the wine, then add water to make a smooth consistency. Add everything else in, and continue to cook for as long as possible, while continuing to add water to keep it thick but not solid. After the dough has been rolled out onto the pan spread the sauce out on top of it. Then grate some indefinite amount of mozzarella cheese on top (the amount involved here is a great article of discussion in the house; I claim that one could do without it altogether while Hallie wants as much as is possible to use). Add toppings, at least an inch worth. General recommendations are to use one full-size Bell pepper, several smaller peppers, at least two large shiitake mushrooms, a large red onion, six to eight inches of pepperoni, and whatever else happens to come to mind at the time. Bake at 350\deg or higher until the bottom of the crust is slightly browned. Allow to cool, then eat. Don't burn your mouth on hot pizza. \subsection*{Vindaloo} Provided by John Woods Having never been closer to India than Atlanta, Georgia (where a Boston-to- Seattle flight had a stopover) (lacking a globe, I cannot tell if Seattle would actually be closer, but I doubt it), I offer the following description from the cookbook Madhur Jaffrey's Indian Cooking: ``The Hindus and Muslims of India do not generally eat pork -- but Indian Christians do. This dish, with its semi-Portuguese name suggesting that the meat is cooked with wine (or vinegar) and garlic, is a contribution from the Kokani-speaking Christians of western India. Vindaloos, which may be made out of lamb and beef as well, are usually very, very hot. You can control this heat by putting in just as many red chillies as you think you can manage. Serve mounds of fluffy rice on the side.'' Serves 6: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 teaspoons whole cumin seeds \item 2-3 hot, dried red chillies \item 1 teaspoon black peppercorns \item 1 teaspoon cardamom seeds (you may take the seeds out of pods if you cannot buy them loose) \item A 3 inch (2cm) stick of cinnamon \item 1.5 teaspoons whole black mustard seeds \item 1 teaspoon whole fenugreek seeds \item 5 tablespoons white wine vinegar \item 1.5-2 teaspoons salt \item 1 teaspoon light brown sugar \item 10 tablespoons vegetable oil \item 2 medium onions, peeled and sliced into fine half-rings \item 1 1/3 cups (300ml) water \item 2 lb (900g) boneless pork shoulder meat, cut into 1 inch (2.5cm) cubes \item A 1 inch (2.5cm) cube of fresh ginger, peeled and coarsely chopped. \item A small, whole head of garlic, with all the cloves separated and peeled (or the equivalent, if using large one) \item 1 tablespoon ground coriander seeds \item 1/2 teaspoon ground tumeric \end{ingredients} Grind cumin seeds, red chillies, peppercorns, cardamom seeds, cinnamon, black mustard seeds and fenugreek seeds in a coffee-grinder or other spice grinder. Put the ground spices in a bowl. Add the vinegar, salt and sugar. Mix and set aside. Heat the oil in a wide, heavy pot over a medium flame. Put in the onions. Fry, stirring frequently, until the onions turn brown and crisp. Remove the onions with a slotted spoon and put them into the container of an electric blender or food processor. Turn the heat off. Add 2-3 tablespoons of water to the blender and puree the onions. Add this puree to the ground spices in the bowl. (This is the vindaloo paste.) It may be made ahead of time and frozen. Dry off the meat cubes with a paper towel and remove large pieces of fat, if any. Put the ginger and garlic into the container of an electric blender or food processor. Add 2-3 tablespoons of water and blend until you have a smooth paste. Heat the oil remaining in the pot once again over a medium-high flame. When hot, put in the pork cubes, a few at a time, and brown them lightly on all sides. Remove each batch with a slotted spoon and keep in a bowl. Do all the pork this way. Now put the ginger- garlic paste into the same pot. Turn down the heat to medium. Stir the paste for a few seconds. Add the coriander and tumeric. Stir for another few seconds. Add the meat, juices that may have accumulated as well as the vindaloo paste and 1 cup (225ml) water. Bring to a boil. Cover and simmer gently for an hour or until the pork is tender. Stir a few times during this cooking period. I've made both this recipe, and another from Julie Sahni's {\it Classical Indian Cooking} (which also includes tamarind), but neither seems to capture the flavor of what I find in Indian restaurants in this area, where the vindaloo seems to just be a jazzed up version of their ordinary curries. Unfortunately, it's one of the few Indian recipes I like (since I won't touch yogurt, a wide variety of the offered dishes are right out). (It could be worse; since tomatoes and cheese are also on my forbidden list, the extremely rare times I've been to Italian restaurants have been almost futile.) I will, be it noted, eat pakora until I explode, even though I'm not fond of chickpeas, and I am even willing to put up with tomatoes in vindaloo (which some of the restaurants in the area insist on using); of course, the advantage of a food that strips enamel off of plates is that it can cover for some tastes that one doesn't particularly care for. Short, shameful confession time: most of the time when I cook ``vindaloo'' at home I rely on ``Patak's Vindaloo Curry Paste,'' made in Great Britain. The difference between this and their ordinary curry paste does, indeed, seem to be the amount of chili pepper, and it is, well, nowhere near as good as using a real recipe. But it is nice and hot. \subsection*{Grilled fish} From Gypsy Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item fish (tuna steaks work great; also any firm white fish) \item limes \item olive oil \item garlic \item black pepper \end{ingredients} Squeeze a lime or two (depending on how much fish you have) into a large Ziploc bag. Add about a teaspoon of olive oil per lb. of fish, one or two crushed garlic cloves, and some freshly ground black pepper. Put the fish in, seal the bag, and squish it around so that the fish is covered with the marinade. Marinate for 30 minutes to an hour. Grill until done. Excellent served with the Spicy Bean Dish listed in the next section. \subsection*{Flour Tortillas} From Joni Johnson \begin{ingredients} \item 4 cups flour \item 1/2 teaspoon salt (if using unsalted butter) \item 1/2 cup butter (unsalted) \item 1 cup lukewarm water \end{ingredients} Mix flour and salt. Work in butter, as you do for piecrust, until it's crumbly. Add water gradually. Knead until it all holds together. divide into 16 pieces-roll into little balls with your hands and let them sit, covered with a towel, for 15 minutes. Heat a griddle to medium hot. Roll out the tortillas until they are quite thin. Dust them with flour and cook on each side on the preheated griddle. They will get little brown spots and look like tortillas when they're done. That was the recipe as it was given to us. We use salted butter so don't need to add salt. \subsection*{Black Turkey} From Helen J. Borek (helen+@@CMU.EDU) with thanks to Thomas Fenske For about a dozen years, at the approach of turkey-eating season, I have been trumpeting to all who would listen, and to a good many who would rather not, that there is only one way to cook a turkey. This turkey is not my turkey. It is the creation of the late Morton Thompson, who wrote {\it Not as a Stranger} and other books. This recipe was first contained in the manuscript of a book called {\it The Naked Countess} which was given to the late Robert Benchley, who had eaten the turkey and was so moved as to write an introduction to the book. Benchley then lost the manuscript. He kept hoping it would turn up-- although not as much, perhaps, as Thompson did, but somehow it vanished, irretrievably. Thompson did not have the heart to write it over. He did, however, later put his turkey rule in another book. Not a cookbook, but a collection of very funny pieces called ``Joe, the Wounded Tennis Player.'' THE ONLY WAY TO COOK A TURKEY!!!!!!! This turkey is work... it requires more attention than an average six-month-old baby. There are no shortcuts, as you will see. Get a HUGE turkey-- I don't mean just a big, big bird, but one that looks as though it gave the farmer a hard time when he did it in. It ought to weigh between 16 and 30 pounds. Have the poultryman, or butcher, cut its head off at the end of the neck, peel back the skin, and remove the neck close to the body, leaving the tube. You will want this for stuffing. Also , he should leave all the fat on the bird. When you are ready to cook your bird, rub it inside and out with salt and pepper. Give it a friendly pat and set it aside. Chop the heart, gizzard, and liver and put them, with the neck, into a stewpan with a clove of garlic, a large bay leaf, 1/2 tsp coriander, and some salt. I don't know how much salt-- whatever you think. Cover this with about 5 cups of water and put on the stove to simmer. This will be the basting fluid a little later. About this time I generally have my first drink of the day, usually a RAMOS FIZZ. I concoct it by taking the whites of four eggs, an equal amount of whipping cream, juice of half a lemon (less 1 tsp.), 1/2 tsp. confectioner's sugar, an appropriate amount of gin, and blending with a few ice cubes. Pour about two tablespoons of club soda in a chimney glass, add the mix, with ice cubes if you prefer. Save your egg yolks, plus 1 tsp. of lemon -- you'll need them later. Have a good sip! (Add 1 dash of Orange Flower Water to the drink, not the egg yolks) Get a huge bowl. Throw into it one diced apple, one diced orange, a large can of crushed pineapple, the grated rind of a lemon, and three tablespoons of chopped preserved ginger (If you like ginger, double this -REB). Add 2 cans of drained Chinese water chestnuts. Mix this altogether, and have another sip of your drink. Get a second, somewhat smaller, bowl. Into this, measuring by teaspoons, put: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 tsp. hot dry mustard \item 2 tsp. caraway seed \item 2 tsp. celery seed \item 2 tsp. poppy seed \item 1 tsp. black pepper \item 2 1/2 tsp. oregano \item 1/2 tsp. mace \item 1/2 tsp. turmeric \item 1/2 tsp. marjoram \item 1/2 tsp. savory \item 3/4 tsp. sage \item 3/4 tsp. thyme \item 1/4 tsp. basil \item 1/2 tsp. chili powder \item 1 tbl. poultry seasoning \item 4 tbl. parsley \item 1 tbl. salt \item 4 headless crushed cloves \item 1 well crushed bay leaf \item 4 large chopped onions \item 6 good dashes Tabasco \item 5 crushed garlic cloves \item 6 large chopped celery \end{ingredients} Wipe your brow, refocus your eyes, get yet another drink--and a third bowl. Put in three packages of unseasoned bread crumbs (or two loaves of toast or bread crumbs), 3/4 lb. ground veal, 1/2 lb. ground fresh pork, 1/4 lb. butter, and all the fat you have been able to pull out of the bird. About now it seems advisable to switch drinks. Martinis or stingers are recommended (Do this at your own risk - we always did! -REB). Get a fourth bowl, an enormous one. Take a sip for a few minutes, wash your hands, and mix the contents of all the other bowls. Mix it well. Stuff the bird and skewer it. Put the leftover stuffing into the neck tube. Turn your oven to 500\deg F and get out a fifth small bowl. Make a paste consisting of those four egg yolks and lemon juice left from the Ramos Fizz. Add 1 tsp hot dry mustard, a crushed clove of garlic, 1 Tbl onion juice, and enough flour to make a stiff paste. When the oven is red hot, put the bird in, breast down on the rack. Sip on your drink until the bird has begin to brown all over, then take it out and paint the bird all over with paste. Put it back in and turn the oven down to 350\deg F. Let the paste set, then pull the bird out and paint again. Keep doing this until the paste is used up. Add a quart of cider or white wine to the stuff that's been simmering on the stove, This is your basting fluid. The turkey must be basted every 15 minutes. Don't argue. Set your timer and keep it up. (When confronted with the choice ``do I baste from the juice under the bird or do I baste with the juice from the pot on the stove?'' make certain that the juice under the bird neither dries out and burns, nor becomes so thin that gravy is weak. When you run out of baste, use cheap red wine. This critter makes incredible gravy! -REB) The bird should cook about 12 minutes per pound, basting every 15 minutes. Enlist the aid of your friends and family. As the bird cooks, it will first get a light brown, then a dark brown, then darker and darker. After about 2 hours you will think I'm crazy. The bird will be turning black. (Newcomers to black turkey will think you are demented and drunk on your butt, which, if you've followed instructions, you are -REB) In fact, by the time it is finished, it will look as though we have ruined it. Take a fork and poke at the black cindery crust. Beneath, the bird will be a gorgeous mahogany, reminding one of those golden-browns found in precious Rembrandts. Stick the fork too deep, and the juice will gush to the ceiling. When you take it out, ready to carve it, you will find that you do not need a knife. A loud sound will cause the bird to fall apart like the walls of that famed biblical city. The moist flesh will drive you crazy, and the stuffing--well, there is nothing like it on this earth. You will make the gravy just like it as always done, adding the giblets and what is left of the basting fluid. Sometime during the meal, use a moment to give thanks to Morton Thompson. There is seldom, if ever, leftover turkey when this recipe is used. If there is, you'll find that the fowl retains its moisture for a few days. That's all there is to it. It's work, hard work--- but it's worth it. \subsection*{New Mexico Green Chili} Karen Baldwin\footnote{ Mexican food is a big part of my family's diet; I finally spent one entire weekend preparing 10 different green chili recipes from several of my Mexican/Southwestern cookbooks and newspaper clippings, and had the family and neighbors pick their favorite version. This recipe is the result of merging and very slightly modifying the two favorites until all agreed this was it.} (4 decent servings) \\ Freezes very well. \\ Serve over plain or mexican rice, \\ burritos, chili rellenos, chimichangas, etc. \\ \begin{ingredients} \item 2 tsp. olive oil \item 1/2 lb. pork loin, cut into 1/2-inch chunks \item 3 small garlic cloves \item 1 red onion (optional) \item 1 T. flour \item 1 T. corn oil \item 1 T. cornstarch \item 1 T. water \item 28 oz. New Mexican chiles\footnote{New Mexican green chiles are a special type; although you might find them in your grocery store, you may well have to order them. I buy them in 14-oz. plastic containers (Josie's brand) from the frozen foods section. However, canned green chiles or Anaheim chiles may be an acceptable though much milder substitute for the timid.} (roasted, peeled, de-seeded, and finely chopped) \item 1-2 T. chopped jalape\~{n}o pepper (optional) \item 1 tsp. cumin \item 1/8 tsp. salt \item 1/8 tsp. white pepper \item 2-3/4 c. chicken broth \item 1 large tomato, peeled and finely chopped \end{ingredients} \begin{instructions} \item In skillet, heat olive oil over medium-high heat. Saute pork until all pink is gone (about 5 minutes). Move meat aside and add garlic (and onion). As soon as garlic sizzles, stir together with pork. Put into crockpot on high.\footnote{ This green chili is already pretty low-fat, but if you prefer, diminish the olive oil when frying your pork, and substitute more cornstarch for the flour-and-oil roux.} \item In the same skillet, make roux by sauteing flour in corn oil, taking care not to let it burn. Then stir in cornstarch and water. (Double the cornstarch if you prefer a thicker sauce.) Add mixture to crockpot. \item Add chiles, spices, and chicken broth to crockpot. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and add tomatoes. Now simmer over very low heat while covered for at least 1 hour, and preferably all day. \end{instructions} \subsection*{Chiladelphia} Mark-Jason Dominus\footnote { Preface all times and quantities in this recipe with `about'. For example, ``2 pounds tomatoes'' actually means ``about 2 pounds tomatoes'', and ``an hour'' actually means ``about an hour.'' This is chili, not rocket science. Chili tastes better each day you leave it in the refrigerator. The flavors mature. Chili does not mind re-heating. It also freezes well. Chili is a BEAN STEW FLAVORED WITH HOT PEPPERS. This recipe is for ``chili con carne,'' which is chili with meat. Although I haven't done it yet, I fully expect that it will be just fine if you omit the meat. I did try substituing tempeh chunks for the ground beef, but it was no good. If you develop a good tempeh chili recipe based on ``Chiladelphia,'' please send it to me. People advised me to name my chili ``Philly Chili.'' These people can drop dead. I hate the name ``Philly'' at least as much as San Franciscans hate the name ``Frisco''. I live in ``Philadelphia,'' and so the recipe is for ``Chiladelphia.''} \begin{ingredients} \item 1 large yellow onion \item 1 tablespoon grease\footnote { For frying the onions in. In the past, I have used peanut oil, Wesson vegetable oil, and homemade lard. It doesn't matter. If you use a nonstick skillet, you can probably omit the grease entirely.} \item 2 anaheim peppers\footnote { Anaheim peppers are about six inches long, pale green, lumpy, and mild. Serranos are no more than an inch long, narrow, pointy, smooth, and dark green, and very hot. Jalape\~{n}os are like serranos but bigger, fuller and not as hot. The chili will be fine if you use peppers other than those I mention. Use what you have. Most of the hotness of hot peppers resides in the placenta, which is the white membrane that the seeds are attached to. Most of the rest of the hotness resides in the seeds themselves. I like to remove the seends and placenta from my peppers, because I like the peppers to contribute more flavor than heat. Your taste may be different.} \item 8 serrano peppers \item 3 jalape\~{n}o peppers \item 2 large cloves garlic\footnote { To chop garlic, sprinkle it with salt before and during the chopping, until it turns into paste. Running the garlic through a press will also work. The only garlic press worth owning is the Susi, made by Xyluss company. I wouldn't want to use jarred chopped garlic; it always tastes of that weird vinegar they pack it in.} \item 4 scallions \item 2-3 pounds ground beef\footnote { I've been using ground round steak. This is expensive. I suspect that it doesn't matter whether you use cheapie ground beef or expensive ground beef. I was going to use cheapie ground beef last time I made it but couldn't find any in the grocery store.} \item 2 pounds whole tomatoes, peeled\footnote { Canned tomatoes are fine, but fresh are better. To peel fresh raw tomatoes, plunge them into boiling water for ten seconds.} \item 3 pounds dark red kidney beans\footnote { It's important to get {\bf dark} red kidney beans, because they give the chili a better color. Canned beans are fine. If you use dried beans, don't forget to soak them overnight and throw away the floaters in the morning.} \item 1 cup fresh cilantro\footnote { Cilantro is the leaf of the coriander plant. If you can't get fresh cilantro, add 1/2 teaspoon ground coriander seed instead. About one person in 10 thinks that cilantro tastes exactly like soap. Omit the cilantro when cooking for these people. (I think it tastes exactly like soap too, but whenever I eat cilantro, I'm always shocked at how delicious soap can be.) } \item 2 bay leaves \item 1 teaspoon ground cinnamon \item 1 teaspoon ground cumin \item 1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper \item 1/2 teaspoon salt \end{ingredients} Peel and chop garlic. Chop onions, peppers and scallions. Saut\'{e}e the onions in the grease in a heavy cast-iron skillet\footnote {Frying pan.} until they are translucent. Add beef, scallions, peppers, and garlic. Saut\'{e}e\footnote { Fry.} until the beef is browned. Cut the tomatoes into bite-sized pieces. Put the saut\'{e}ed beef-pepper-allium\footnote { Onions, scallions, and garlic are in the allium family. (So are chives and shallots, which do not appear in this recipe.)} mix into a large stew pot with the beans and tomatoes. Chop the cilantro. Add the salt, herbs, and spices to stew pot. Simmer at low low heat, stirring occasionally\footnote { The objective here is to keep it from burning on the bottom. If it *does* burn on the bottom, just leave it alone. Don't scrape at it, because then you'll have burnt crap mixed in with your chili.}, for an hour. {\bf Correct the seasoning.\footnote { I almost always add more salt and pepper at this point, sometimes more cumin. Remember the Cardinal Rule of Cooking, the one that even comes ahead of ``Hot glass looks the same as cold glass:'' TASTE IT, STUPID. }} Simmer another 15-30 minutes. Serve hot over rice. Feeds 8-12 people. This is basically the ``Chili con Carne'' recipe from {\it The Joy of Cooking}, with amounts scaled up for younger appetites, and with real seasonings substituted for ``chili powder.'' I take full credit for the recipe because the recipe is entirely in the seasonings. {\it The Joy of Cooking} wanted you to put in a teaspoon of sugar. Can you believe that? Half a cup of browned onion and they want you to add sugar. The trouble with the {\it Joy of Cooking} is that they're firmly entrenched in the cuisine of the Eisenhower administration and no matter what they're cooking, they think they're making Jello. Everything has to have sugar in it, and everything has to go into a mold. OK, sorry. I'll shut up now. They also think that black pepper is daring and exotic. They say ``1/2 cup chopped onion or 1/2 clove chopped garlic.'' Like it's too risky to use both. OK, OK. Now I'm really done ragging on {\it The Joy of Cooking}. \subsection*{Chili} Mark Gooley \begin{ingredients} \item 1 to 2 lbs. lean beef or buffalo, or some vegetarian substitute \item Vast quantity of mild peppers, fresh or dried \item Small quantity of hot peppers, fresh or dried \item 1 tsp. or more of cumin, whole seeds or ground \item Freshly-ground black pepper to taste \item Oregano, marjoram, basil to taste \item Soy sauce to taste (try to get wheat-free) \item Vast quantity of garlic (e. g., cloves from 1 large bulb) \item 2 large cans (15 oz.?) tomato paste \item Small amount olive oil (optional) \item Optional: beans, soaked dry ones or canned, to taste (eight 15-oz. cans might not be excessive, or a pound or more of dried beans): pintos, black, small red, chickpeas, Anasazis (excellent), but NOT kidney beans (the flavor and texture are wrong) \end{ingredients} Remove fat, connective tissue, etc. from meat; cut meat into small cubes or chop it coarsely in a meat grinder. Put a little fat (or olive oil) in the pot, heat to low heat, and add cumin (break whole seeds with mortar and pestle), black pepper, about half the garlic (finely chopped or put through a garlic press), and some of the herbs. When the garlic darkens, add the meat (or, say, firm tofu), turn up the heat to braise it, add soy sauce, lower the heat, and allow time for the meat to cook fully (or the tofu to dry). Add the tomato paste. Ideally, you should roast fresh peppers, remove their skins and stems and seeds, then chop them finely. This is a nuisance. Canned mild peppers are easier to manage and taste okay, but are expensive. Any mild variety will do: Ancho and Anaheim are good, but bell peppers will do. Lazy people like me can remove stems and seeds, chop the peppers coarsely, and liquefy them in a blender. (Pepper skins are tough and may not soften even after hours of cooking, and even the occasional stray pepper seed adds an annoying crunchiness, hence the blender.) Dried peppers: choose mild ones such as Ancho. Note that some dried peppers are leathery and moist and still contain a lot of water; others are crisp and brittle. Four to eight ounces should do. Remove the stems and seeds and stringy inner bits, and simmer the other bits in water over low heat until they are at least somewhat soft. Unless you truly enjoy the burn of capsacin in your mouth and digestive tract, pour off the water and rinse the pepper fragments. Mash them, or liquefy them in a blender. Taste the mashed or liquefied peppers. Add hot peppers (anything from jalape\~{n}os to Scotch bonnet, or hot sauce in a pinch) to taste. If you use a blender, add the rest of the garlic and perhaps some oregano to be liquefied with the peppers; if not, put the garlic through a press and add it and the oregano to the pot. In any case, add the pepper mixture and cook the mixture until it is thick. (I like a thick chili, almost pasty; some people prefer a soup.) When the chile is near the consistency you want, taste it. If the peppers are too hot, add more garlic. If your fingers are burning from capsacin, rinse them with alcohol and then rub them with fresh garlic; if your mouth is burning, wash it out with vodka. Add more herbs to taste. If there is a blandness you can't pin down, add soy sauce or salt. Beans: Some purists refuse to add these. Wash canned beans thoroughly, and resist the temptation to use liquid from the can to thicken the chile. Change the water several times when soaking dried beans, and wash them thoroughly after cooking them. Add the beans when the chile is almost done, and cook the result just long enough that the beans are hot and the consistency is what you want. Serve with cornmeal mush (from coarse-ground meal if you can get it). A tough red wine or a strong ale is a good drink, though some people might prefer a light lager.. \subsection*{Scrambled eggs (I)} Mark Gooley \begin{ingredients} \item 4 to 6 eggs, preferably at room temperature \item Small amount of butter or olive oil \item Salt and pepper to taste \item Optional: Parmesan or Romano cheese to taste \end{ingredients} Grease heavy iron (or at least thick aluminum) skillet lightly with butter or oil. Beat eggs in bowl as long as you care to bother: a small electic mixer helps. With the skillet over very low heat, add the eggs. Wait. If after several minutes the eggs show no signs of coagulating, raise the heat slightly. As the eggs coagulate, push the semi-solid layer on the bottom towards the center of the pan. Repeat for a long time until the eggs are more or less firm. Spread them out, sprinkle them with salt and pepper, grate cheese over them, and mix the lot together with a few swift strokes so that the cheese is warmed but not melted. Serve at once with toast and coffee. (See M. F. K. Fisher's {\it How to Cook a Wolf} for more on cooking scrambled eggs. Low heat and patience are key.) \subsection*{Scrambled eggs (II)} Mark Gooley \begin{ingredients} \item 6 to 8 eggs, preferably at room temperature \item 1/4 lb. or more thick-sliced bacon \item Salt, pepper, ground cuminseed, basil, lemon juice, Worcestershire sauce, soy sauce, hot sauce to taste \item Several ounces extra-sharp Cheddar cheese \end{ingredients} Fry bacon over very low heat in a heavy skillet; turn slices frequently. When bacon is crisp, remove it to a bowl or a deep plate; do not dry it. Break it into pieces bite-sized or smaller. Do not remove any fat from the pan. Crack eggs into pan. Add spices, lemon juice, and sauces as desired. Stir with vigor as if trying to make an emulsion. If the eggs show signs of getting crisp, reduce heat; if after some minutes they have not begun to coagulate, raise heat slightly. When eggs have set, grate cheese over them, stir quickly so that the cheese does not melt much, and serve at once. Thick slices of a dense homemade bread, pitas, tortillas, or French fries go well with this dish. Guinness, imperial stout, or Black Velvet (half champagne, half stout, and not as bad as it sounds) are suitable drinks. \subsection*{Misery Chicken} Mark Gooley This is named after Andrew ``HWRNMNBSOL'' Solberg's posting about factory chicken-farms. It is suitable for a depressed old bachelor dining alone at home. \begin{ingredients} \item 1/2 lb or so frozen skinless/boneless Misery Chicken breasts or thighs (available in 5-lb or larger packages under the Tyson brand at many warehouse-club stores) \item Soy sauce to taste (try to get wheat-free) \item Black pepper or paprika or both to taste \item Hot-pepper sauce to taste (clones of Tabasco are available, and cheaper) \item Basil or marjoram or oregano or whatever to taste \item Cheap dry domestic sherry (I use Gallo's "Livingston Cellars Very Dry Sherry, which I buy in 1.5-liter bottles and keep in the refrigerator) \end{ingredients} Put frozen chicken breasts or thighs in a non-stick pot or pan with a lid. Put this on the stove at low to medium heat. Dump sherry over chicken to a depth of an inch or so; cover pan. Check the pan every few minutes. At some point, add sauces and herbs and spices; as the "active principles" dissolve in alcohol, this should probably be early on. Turn the chicken parts over so that they defrost and start to cook; replace cover after each repetition. Add water or more sherry if things are drying out. When the chicken is no longer frozen and appears to be cooked, cut it into bite-sized pieces with the end of a melamine spatula. (Melamine will scratch wimpier non-stick surfaces almost as readily as metal does, so be careful.) Turn up the heat and stir the bits so that the solids from the sherry and such stick to them as the remaining water and alcohol evaporate. Serve with toast, pita bread and alfalfa sprouts, or what you will. \subsection*{Pesto from Hell} Mark Gooley \begin{ingredients} \item 1 ounce or so dried basil leaves \item Boiling hot water \item Vegetable oil \item Garlic powder or dried minced garlic (not garlic salt!) to taste \item Several tablespoons crunchy "natural" peanut butter (no salt or sugar added) \item 1 ounce or so Kraft Grated Parmesan Cheese, or some cheap knock-off \end{ingredients} Try to pick out bits of stem from the dried basil. (Good luck.) Add just enough hot water to soften the basil, then add the garlic. Squeeze out and discard excess water. Mix with peanut butter and cheese, adding oil as needed for a suitable consistency. This isn't as bad as it sounds. The peanut flavor tends to overwhelm everything else, but the real problem is the bits of basil stem: they are unpleasant on the tongue, catch in the teeth, and scratch the throat, and don't soften. Maybe grinding the dried basil in a mortar and pestle would crush them enough to mitigate this. % Begin new section \newpage \vspace{6 in} \huge Side Dishes \vspace{2 in} \epsffile{xtine-kaite.ps} \normalsize \newpage \subsection*{Spicy Bean Dish} From Gypsy Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item olive oil \item 1 can black beans \item 1 cup corn kernels (canned or frozen work fine) \item 1 onion, chopped \item 2 jalape\~{n}os, seeded and chopped \item 2 large cloves garlic, minced \item 1.5 tsp. (or more) ground cumin \item half tsp. oregano \item half tsp. salt \item cayenne \item cilantro \item juice of 1/2 lime \end{ingredients} Heat 1 tbsp. olive oil in a skillet. Saute onions, salt, cumin, and oregano over medium heat for 4-5 minutes, then add garlic and jalape\~{n}os and saute another 2 minutes. Drain the beans (and corn, if it's canned) and toss them in, along with a couple of tablespoons of chopped cilantro and the tomatoes. Cook over medium heat until done (15-20 minutes.) Add cayenne until the beans are suitably incendiary. Just before serving, add the lime juice and about a quarter cup of freshly chopped cilantro. \subsection*{Thai'd apples'n'onions} Dave Filippi \begin{ingredients} \item 2 cups cooked sticky rice \item 2 granny smith apples \item 2 large Spanish onions \item 2 shiitake mushrooms \item 2 tbsp grated ginger (I love this. you may want less.) \item approx 4 stalks (w/ leaves) fresh cilantro (coriander) \item peanut oil \item soy sauce (pref. tamari) \item honey \item cooking rice wine \item garlic \item your favorite hot (I like dried Italian red pepper) to taste \item 1 plum skin (optional) \end{ingredients} Coat pot bottom and sides with peanut oil. Add cilantro leaves but not stalks. Add 1 finger each of soy sauce and water; 1/2 finger wine; 2 fingers honey; garlic to taste. A pinch of powder or about 8 very thin slices of fresh garlic do the trick. Add your hot stuff now -- this dish is good with none, or up to $10^6$ hard beta counts per minute (i.e. screaming hot). Plum skin is for color only. If you choose to use it add a tbsp of brown sugar to cut its sharp flavor. Remove it before eating. Peel, core, and chop apples. Peel and chop onions into eighths. Sliver mushrooms (they're for darkening/flavor). Dump this stuff into pot and coat these items. Simmer lightly about 10 minutes, stirring. Add rice, stir, and cover; simmer 30-45 minutes, med. heat, stirring occasionally. (Rice will stick. Stir gently so as to avoid breaking it.) If you don't like the way it's congealing add more water. Garnish with beak, dammit, and serve with cold beer. Serves 2, maybe (or scale up.) This dish works well with canned shrimp (the tiny ones) too. If you are trying to get someone drunk this dish will encourage lots of beer drinking -- it's spicy and relatively water-poor. \subsection*{Fried Plantains} By Ben Cox, as served at ROCH.BOB 1994. Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item Plantains \item Vegetable Oil \end{ingredients} Peel plantains and cut into thin slices. Fry in a small amount of vegetable oil. Serve promptly, as they will get soggy if you drive them 300 miles and refrigerate them overnight. \subsection*{``Canned'' Soup} From Annie. This fragrant, elegant treat is a tomato-based clam soup, Sicilian in origin. (Hey, I married an Italian; I take my vows seriously: "Love, honor, and cook like Grandma.") Prep time: 15 minutes (incredible!) Yield: about 4 cups, enough for three people or two very hungry ones \footnote{If you want to stretch the soup a bit further, add a cup of chicken broth or water to the initial simmering.} Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 16 oz. can stewed tomatoes \item 2 6 oz. cans chopped (not minced) clams \item 1/2 tsp. oregano leaves (dried)\footnote{ Anytime you wish to use fresh herbs in place of dried ones, just multiply the indicated dried amount by 3--that will be the amount of fresh herbs you'll need. Or, if a recipe calls for fresh and you only have dried--divide by 3 to find the dried amount you'll need. But then, you probably already knew that...} \item 1/2 tsp. basil leaves (dried) \item generous pinch of cayenne pepper \item salt \item 1/4 C minced fresh parsley (not packed into the cup, just heaped) \item 2 or 3 medium to small cloves of garlic, crushed \end{ingredients} Pour tomatoes and their juice into a medium saucepan and break them up into small pieces. Add clams and their juice, oregano, basil and cayenne. Bring soup to a simmer over medium heat. Simmer about 5 minutes. While the soup heats/simmers, toss together the parsley and garlic: first crush the garlic, then chop the parsley a bit--then add the garlic to the parsley and continue chopping until they are well-mixed/chopped. After 5 minutes of simmering, add the parsley-garlic mixture to the soup. Simmer 3 to 5 minutes more. Season with salt (if necessary--it may not need any) and serve. If you'd like a spicier version, just let the soup cool and refrigerate for a few hours. Not only will your fridge fill with the heavenly scent of garlic, but when you reheat the soup, the garlic and cayenne pepper flavors will have gotten quite a boost. I don't recommend letting the soup sit overnight. \subsection*{Refrigerator Pickles} (I use for large cucumbers that I can't pickle whole) Slice into a jar: cucumbers, onions, and chopped red and green peppers. Heat to dissolve: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 1/2 cup sugar \item 1/4 cup salt \item 1 cup vinegar \item 1 tablespoon celery seed \item 1 tablespoon mustard seed \item 1 teaspoon turmeric \item (I usually add a tablespoon or two of dill seed as well) \end{ingredients} Pour liquid over cucumbers, etc, and refrigerate for at least 24 hrs. before eating. \subsection*{Dill pickles} In hot sterilized jars, pack cucumbers Heat to dissolve brine of: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 cup cider vinegar \item 2 cups water \item 1 tablespoon pickling salt \end{ingredients} Add to each quart of pickles: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 heads of dill (I add some seed as well as the dill heads) \item 1 clove of garlic (I use 6 or 7 or 8 cloves, depending on my mood) \item 1 teaspoon mustard seed \item 1/8 teaspoon alum (scant) ( this keeps them crisp) \end{ingredients} Pour brine over cukes. Seal. Ready to eat in 6 weeks. \subsection*{Steamed stuffed fresh chilli peppers} From Gypsy. Ingredients \begin{ingredients} \item 10 large fresh chilli peppers, to be cut lengthwise but without completing the cut, then cored and seeded and soaked in water \item 1 piece of pork, including some fat, the size of a hand, minced \item 7 (small) shallots, finely pounded (green onion bulbs are acceptable) \item 2 soupspoonfuls of sticky rice, soaked and then pounded to make rice flour \item chopped spring onion leaves \item ground black pepper, and fish sauce \end{ingredients} Mix thoroughly in a bowl the pounded and minced ingredients. Add fish sauce and ground black pepper. Taste and check the saltiness. Sprinkle the chopped spring onion leaves on to the mixture and mix them in. Next, stuff the opened fresh chilli peppers with the prepared mixture and wrap them up in pieces of banana leaf [waxed paper works fine - m], making two packages. Steam these in a steamer. When cooked, open the packages, transfer the contents to a platter and serve. \subsection*{Grilled Eggplant} From Joni Johnson. The butter stuff is 1 stick of butter, melt it, then stir in 2 green onions, chopped, and 2 tablespoons of cilantro, chopped. also 1 tablespoon lime juice, and 1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper. I usually throw in garlic, just because we have so much of it. The eggplant, cut into 1/4 inch slices (we leave the skin on) salt both sides and brush on the butter. Grill for 8-10 minutes turning a lot and basting with the butter. Grill until you can stick a fork through it easily. \subsection*{Salad Oil} From Joni Johnson. \begin{ingredients} \item 2 cups olive oil, preferably green \item 2 branches rosemary \item 6 sprigs thyme \item 1 large clove garlic \item 1 gr. chile pepper \item 5-6 small red chiles \item 6 black peppercorns \item 6 juniper berries \end{ingredients} Pour oil into glass jar with cork stopper. Wash herbs and pat dry well. Peel and halve garlic. Drop herbs, chiles, garlic, and rest into jar. Seal tightly let stand for 2 weeks before using. Do not strain. \newpage \mbox{} % Begin new section \newpage \vspace{6 in} \huge Breads \normalsize \newpage \subsection*{Blueberry Muffins} From IO81409@@MAINE.MAINE.EDU (Ailsa N.T. Murphy) \\ As posted to soc.bi in 1992 Muffins are made in the same pans you make cupcakes in, or you can make whacking big ones in custard cups. British people will just have to figure out the conversions from cups and teaspoons, as I haven't the foggiest... \begin{ingredients} \item 3 cups all-purpose flour \item 1/2 cup sugar \item 1 tablespoon baking powder \item 1/2 teaspoon salt (not really necessary) \item 2 large eggs \item 1 cup milk \item 1/2 cup melted butter, margarine or cooking oil \item 1 teaspoon vanilla extract \item 1 1/2 cups fresh (or frozen and thawed) blueberries \end{ingredients} In large bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder and salt. In medium bowl whisk eggs, milk, oil and vanilla until smooth. Pour liquid ingredients into dry ingredients; add blueberries, stirring just until mixed (a few lumps are ok). Spoon batter evenly into 12 greased 2 1/2 inch muffin cups. Bake in a preheated 400\deg F oven 20 minutes or until golden. (Cupcake molds are fine, just don't fill them more than 2/3 full.) \subsection*{Jelly Muffins} Ailsa N.T. Murphy \begin{ingredients} \item 3 cups all-purpose flour \item 1/2 cup sugar \item 1 tablespoon baking powder \item 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon \item 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg \item 1/4 teaspoon salt (again, not really necessary) \item 1/8 teaspoon ground cloves \item 2 large eggs \item 1 cup milk \item 1/2 cup melted butter, margarine, or cooking oil \item 1/4 cup grape or other flavor jelly \end{ingredients} In large bowl, combine flour, sugar, baking powder, cinnamon, nutmeg, salt and cloves. In medium bowl whisk eggs, milk, and oil. Pour liquid ingredients into dry ingredients, stirring quickly until just mixed. Spoon half the batter into 12 greased, 2 1/2 inch muffin cups. Spoon 1 teaspoonful jelly onto batter; top with remaining batter to enclose jelly. Bake in a preheated 400\deg F oven 20 minutes or until golden. \subsection*{Eggnog Muffins} Ailsa N.T. Murphy These are my favorite; I don't know anyone else that makes these. \begin{ingredients} \item 3 cups all-purpose flour \item 1 tablespoon baking powder \item 1/2 cup sugar \item 1 teaspoon ground nutmeg \item 1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon \item 2 large eggs \item 1 cup milk \item 1/2 cup melted butter, margarine or cooking oil \item 2 teaspoons rum extract (substituting real rum can be ... interesting) \end{ingredients} Topping: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 tablespoon sugar \item 1/2 teaspoon ground nutmeg \item 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon \end{ingredients} In a large bowl, combine flour, baking powder, sugar, nutmeg, and cinnamon. In medium bowl whisk eggs, milk, oil and rum extract. Pour liquid ingredients over dry ingredients; stir just until mixed. Spoon batter evenly into 12 greased, 2 1/2 inch muffin cups. Topping: In small cup combine sugar, nutmeg, and cinnamon; sprinkle evenly over tops of muffins. Bake in a preheated 400\deg F oven 20 minutes or until golden. \subsection*{Crumpets} Kay Dekker Ingredients to make 18-24 crumpets: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 1/2 lb plain flour \item 1 teaspoon salt \item about 1 3/4 pints milk \item 3/4 oz yeast \item 4-inch diameter crumpet rings \end{ingredients} Grease crumpet rings. Sift flour and salt into warm bowl. Warm milk to lukewarm, and dissolve yeast in 1/4 pint of it. Make a well in the flour, pour in the milk/yeast mix, and stir; add remainder of milk to make batter the consistency of cream. Cover and leave to rise for 40-45 minutes. Set crumpet rings on a hot greased griddle or baking sheet (if using oven). Pour in batter to fill rings to a depth of 1/4 - 1/2 inch. If using griddle, put it onto low to moderate heat; when bottoms of crumpets are nicely brown, turn them and cook a further 3-4 minutes. Alternatively, cook in the oven preset to 375\deg Fahrenheit (gas mark 5) for about 20-25 minutes. Crumpets must not be too well browned because they have to be toasted before serving. {\it Kludge points out that the small cans that water chestnuts come in make serviceable crumpet rings if you open up both the top and bottom.} \subsection*{English Muffins} Kay Dekker Ingredients for about 12 muffins: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 1/2 lb plain flour \item 1 teaspoon salt \item about 3/4 pint milk \item 3/4 oz yeast \item 4-inch diameter crumpet rings \end{ingredients} Prepare as for crumpets (see previous recipe) but mix to a soft dough. When dough is well-risen, divide into even pieces. Pat lightly on a well-floured board into ring-shape, putting each finished piece into a crumpet ring. Set the girdle on slow to moderate heat, and cook each side of the muffins to light brown. Alternatively, cook in the oven preset to 375\deg Fahrenheit (gas mark 5) for 20-25 minutes. To serve: toast on both sides, pull apart and butter thickly. \subsection*{Scones Number One} jzimm@@ccwf.utexas.edu As it happens, I do. I make them at least once a month, and the recipe, despite living in the {\bf original} NYT Cookbook, is sufficiently authentic to have been vetted, many years ago, by a lover with an English mother--except that he said they needed more sugar. So my version has more sugar. Herewith: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 cups flour \item 5 Tbs. sugar \item 1/2 tsp. salt \item 3 tsp. baking powder \item 1/3 cup butter \item 1 egg, beaten \item 3/4 cup milk (max) \end{ingredients} Sift together the dry ingredients in a fairly large bowl. Use a pastry blender to cut in the butter. Add the beaten egg, and about 9/16 cup of milk, and stir together. Add more milk as necessary to make a dough. Don't overstir. Turn out onto floured board, knead about fifteen times. Form into two balls, flatten down to about 1/2 inch thick, cut each round into eight triangles, and place on a greased baking sheet. Bake at 425\deg for about 10 minutes, until golden brown. (This requires careful calibration; scones are about as oven- and baking-sheet-dependent as anything I know.) Serve with butter and jam. If you're feeling really inspired, whip up some cream as a substitute for the incredibly expensive clotted cream you can buy in gourmet shops, as served in the best places like Auntie's Tea Shop in Cambridge, England, on the Market Square ... Don't forget the Earl Grey tea, and some smoked salmon sandwiches. If you like, you can add currants or walnuts or pecans (or some combination) to the dough. \subsection*{Scones Number Two} From: Jamie Andrews (jamie@@cs.sfu.ca) Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 3 cups all purpose flour \item 1/2 cup granulated sugar \item 5 tsp baking powder \item 1/2 tsp salt \item 3/4 cup margarine or butter \item 1 egg, slightly beaten \item 1 cup milk \item raisins or cheese or blueberries or whatever \end{ingredients} ...and the directions are almost identical to Joann's recipe above. I used whole wheat flour and brown sugar, and vegetable shortening instead of marg/butter, and it seemed to work out fine. I got 8 big scones out of it. My cookbook also suggests Cinnamon Snails, which I haven't tried (yet): Roll out dough 1/4 inch thick. Brush with beaten egg. Sprinkle sugar and cinnamon over dough and roll up like a jelly roll, starting from the long side. Cut into 1 1/2 inch slices. Place each slice in a muffin cup (paper lined) and bake at 350\deg F for about 25 minutes. Makes 10-12. Memorable Scone Experiences: at a tea-shop in Glastonbury, on a sunny March afternoon, where they served me one huge sweet white scone, with more clotted cream and strawberry jam than even I could balance on top of it, and a nice hot pot of tea (probably English Breakfast, I have to be in the right mood for Earl Grey) with a tea-cozy. Heaven. \subsection*{Swedish Boiled Bread} From markus@@cs.ucsd.edu (B. Markus Jakobsson) I would like to share with you one of my favorite recipes for bread. Having grown up on the countryside in southern Sweden, and being used to the dark, often spicy bread, moving to southern California meant either having to buy imported German bread, which is much denser than the one I grew up on, or starting to bake myself, which became my choice. This bread is very easy to make, sounds very weird, but is a true delight in my own opinion. Mix the following ingredients well: \begin{ingredients} \item 0.6 oz dry yeast (or one 50g cake fresh yeast) \item 3-1/2 cup rye flour (0.9 liters) \item 0.6 cup dark corn syrup (0.15 liters) \item 1 tsp salt (5 ml) \item 1-1/2 cup lukewarm water (0.4 liters) \end{ingredients} Then, mix in, little by little \begin{ingredients} \item 3-1/4 cup wheat flour (0.8 liters) \end{ingredients} Knead the dough. Rub a thin layer of fat on the inside of a stainless steel bowl, powder the inside with flour and put the ballshaped dough in the bowl. Now, put a lid on top of the bowl, which shall be large enough so that the lid will not touch the dough. Put the bowl in a pot, fill up with water to 2/3 of the height of the bowl, and boil for 4 hours. Fill up with water to 2/3 every now and then, but be careful never to get any water into the bowl. If possible, keep a lid on the pot while boiling. The bread will rise while being boiled, but will be a rather compact bread. \subsection*{Bread Machine Bread} From june@@sybase.com Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 c water \item 1 scant tsp salt \item 2 tsp sugar \item 3 c bread flour \item 2.5 tsp yeast \end{ingredients} You might want to try playing around with amount of your ingredients. I know that varying atmospheric conditions change the height my bread rises, and I need to adjust salt and sugar, usually, to compensate. I've not had a problem with large bubbles. I use the dark setting for my bread, and it mixes/bakes for 2 hours and 35 minutes. Having the water at room temperature or a little warmer also might help. It's not usually an issue with my bread - I put my stuff in at night and get my bread out 7-8 hours later in the morning, via timer. \subsection*{Cheap Beer Bread} Scott Dorsey (kludge@@netcom.com) Combine: \begin{ingredients} \item 3 cups flour \item 1/2 cup sugar \item 2 tsp. baking powder \end{ingredients} Sift well and add: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 clove garlic, chopped \item 1 wild onion, chopped \item some fresh dill, chopped \end{ingredients} Mix well, and add: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 cheap beer (I use Molsons because I still have a huge amount left over from the last BoB) \end{ingredients} Mix until even, then bake at 350\deg F until done (usually an hour or so). % Begin new section \newpage \huge Desserts \vspace{2 in} \vspace{6 in} \hspace{-2 in} \epsffile{weird.ps} \normalsize \newpage \subsection*{Medieval Lime Mousse} Johnathan K. Cohen This perverse concoction was first invented to serve to a group of medievalists, possibly with the aim of poisoning them over dessert. Hence, ``medieval.'' Alternate explanation: the paper containing the original recipe as I wrote it down is speckled and spattered with the brown remnants of all my previous attempts at the dish, and looks rather like a page from some ancient grimoire. Note: Reference is made in the following to ``whisking.'' This is a delicate and tedious manual operation, which increases the amount of preparation time no end. One might use an electric mixer, the more overpowering the better, to subjugate the various materials. If you do end up using an electric mixer, beware of spatter; see my note on the condition of the manuscript, above. I usually make massive quantities which serve 6-8. Halve quantities to serve 3-4. Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 6 eggs \item 1 cup powdered sugar \item 8-10 limes (depending on intended tanginess) \item 2 packets unflavored kosher gelatin \item 1 pint heavy whipping cream \end{ingredients} Sprinkle gelatin over 4 tablespoons of water in a small saucepan and leave to soak. Separate the eggs, putting the yolks into one large bowl and the whites into another. Grate the rind from the limes and add to the yolks, along with the powdered sugar. Squeeze juice from the limes and add to the gelatin. Place the saucepan with the gelatin over low heat, stirring continuously until gelatin is dissolved. Do not allow the gelatin to boil! Whisk egg yolks, rind, and sugar until pale and creamy. Slowly pour in the dissolved gelatin, whisking all the time. Continue to whisk until mixture cools and begins to thicken. (If you do not whisk sufficiently, a globule of intense unmoussed stuff, quite tasty, but not quite the point, will form at the bottom of the bowl.) Beat the heavy cream until stiff and fold into the mixture. Whisk the egg whites until stiff and fold into the mixture with a metal spoon. Pour into individual dishes, parfait glasses, wine glasses, or one huge serving bowl. Garnish with mint leaves, if desired. \subsection*{Wild Grape Pie} Cindy Murphy slip the skins from four cups of fully ripe wild grapes (that's a pain in the buttsky to do), simmer the pulp a few minutes and put it through a food mill or sieve to remove the seeds. chop up the skins and return them to the now-seedless pulp. in a mixing bowl combine one cup of sugar, one quarter cup flour and and quarter teaspoon of salt. add the juice of one lemon, 2 tablespoons of melted butter and the grape pulp. mix well, then pour into spoons of melted butter and the grape pulp. my brother is in the basement waiting for me to get off the computer and i'm going to kill him if he doesn't stop hovering, like it's his fucking computer. don't put that in the pie. mix well, then pour into an unbaked oil crust (oops, have to include that recipe as well??) and decorate the top with scraps of pastry cut into grape-leaf shapes. bake in 400 degree oven for about forty minutes. that oughtta work for fox grapes, which aren't really very edible plain as we both know. now i have to go kill my brother. he doesn't seem to understand that i'm going to stay on this machine as long as i can, which'll be about ten minutes till mike calls. i love grape pie. \subsection*{Oil Piecrust} Cindy Murphy sift together 2 cups of flour and 1 tsp salt. pour 1/4 cup of cold milk and 1/2 cup of salad oil into a measuring cup, but do not stir. add all at once to the flour and mix well with a fork. divide the dough in half and form into two round balls. dampen the table top w/ a sponge and smooth a 12" sq of wax paper on the dampened area. slightly flatten one of the balls of dough in the center of the wax paper and cover with another piece wax paper exactly same size as first. roll the dough between the pieces of wax paper until it reaches the edges and it will be just the right thickness and size. peel the top paper off, turn the dough over, fit it into the pie pan, then carefully remove the second piece of wax paper. now pour in the filling etc etc (just do what the grape recipe says) -you would flatten out the other ball of dough between the same pieces of wax paper then cut out shapes or however you want to do the top. \subsection*{Chocolate Pate with Raspberry Sauce} {\bf warning, extreme sin} Dawn Whiteside Pate: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 cups 35% cream \item 3 egg yolks, slightly beaten \item 8 oz semisweet chocolate \item 1/2 cup corn syrup \item 1/2 cup butter \item 1/4 cup icing sugar \item 1 teaspoon vanilla \end{ingredients} Line loaf pan with waxed paper or saran wrap (8.5 x 4.5 x 2.5"). Mix 1/2 cup of cream with yolks. In saucepan stir chocolate, corn syrup and butter over medium heat until melted. Add egg mixture. Cook for 3 minutes, stirring constantly. Cool at room temperature. Beat remaining cream, sugar and vanilla until soft peaks form. Fold into chocolate mixture until no streaks remain. Pour into pan. Put in freezer minimum 3 hours or overnight. Sauce: \begin{ingredients} \item 10 oz frozen raspberries, thawed and strained \item 1/3 cup corn syrup \end{ingredients} Mix using blender or food processor. Cut chocolate pate into pieces and serve with sauce on top and whipped cream and mint leaves as garnish. Or just leave the loaf out for people to cut their own and pour sauces on. Take the pate out of the freezer 30 minutes before trying to cut into it (or use a very sharp heated knife). CAVEAT: if left at less-than-freezing temperatures for extended periods of time, this chocolate pate tends to degenerate into chocolate sludge. still delicious but more suited to life as a dipping sauce than as a solid. \subsection*{X Industries ``Heavy Metal'' Ice Cream} Take 12 cups whipping cream, and two cups of coffee cream or half-and-half. Add one teaspoon of vanilla extract, and seven teaspoons of almond extract. Note that this is almost a full bottle of almond extract. Add a 10 ounce bag of Skor bits, two cups of sugar, and a cup of lead nitrate. For the ``light'' version, you may omit the lead nitrate. \subsection{Chocolate Velvet} From Annie \begin{ingredients} \item 2 lbs. dark sweet or semi-sweet chocolate, cut into pieces \item 6 oz. (1.5 sticks) butter, cut into pieces \item 1 C. sifted confectioner's sugar \item 1/4 C. light rum \item 1/4 C. creme de cacao \item 2 tsp. instant coffee powder \item 6 egg yolks \item 6 egg whites \item 4 C. (1 quart) whipping cream \item additional whipped cream for garnish \end{ingredients} Melt chocolate and butter in a double boiler. Meanwhile, combine sugar, yolks, rum, creme de cacao and powdered coffee in large bowl. Also whip 4 C. of cream in {\bf very} large bowl until stiff. Blend melted chocolate/butter into sugar/yolks/alcohol/coffee mixture. Gently fold in whipped cream, but blend thoroughly. Beat egg whites until soft peaks form. Fold into chocolate mixture. Turn mixture into a 10'' springform pan, filling to the very top. (Spoon any extra into glasses or cups.) Refrigerate overnight, or at least all day. Transfer pan to a chilled platter and remove springform. Garnish with additional whipped cream. Serves 20. Recipe may be halved. \subsection*{Hot pepper drizzle} From Joni, for ice cream. \begin{ingredients} \item 2 cups sugar \item 1 cup water \item 1/2 haba\~{n}ero pepper (whole, fresh, and seeded) \item 1 cup fresh kiwi \item 1 cup fresh peaches \item 1 cup fresh strawberries \item 1 cup fresh mango \end{ingredients} Combine sugar and water and bring to a boil. Add the half haba\~{n}ero and boil until syrupy. Remove pepper and add diced fruit to syrup. It's good. Trust me. \subsection*{Anise Cookies} From haggarty\@@io.org (Dan Haggarty) These are the official oktoberfest.bob cookie {\bf The dough needs to be made the night before baking (see below)} \begin{ingredients} \item 3 eggs \item 1 cup sugar \item 2 cups all purpose floor \item 1/2 tsp baking powder \item 1 tbsp ground aniseed \end{ingredients} \begin{instructions} \item Beat eggs until very light pale yellow. Add sugar and beat about 3 minutes. \item Sift flour together with baking powder and aniseed. Beat into egg mixture, beating about 5 minutes. (The consistency will be half way between caulk and Lepage's white glue.) \item Drop batter by tsp onto cookie sheet making miniature cowpads about 1.5" in diameter leaving 1" between cookies. (Christine says that parchment paper on the cookie sheet works well.) \item DO NOT COVER. LET STAND IN A WARM PLACE OVERNIGHT TO DRY OUT. \item The next day bake at 350\deg F for 8 minutes. \end{instructions} ``They're great with beer,'' said Grendel, ``I'll have another!'' \subsection*{Coconut Macaroons} From Jeanette Allen Start with: \begin{ingredients} \item 4 egg whites, whipped till frothy. \end{ingredients} Slowly add while beating - \begin{ingredients} \item 2/3 cup sugar, \item 1/4 teaspoon salt \item 1 teaspoon almond extract \item 1/4 cup flour \item 3 cups coconut \end{ingredients} Drop round teaspoons of batter on parchment paper or greased cookie sheet. Bake at 350\deg for 30 min or until lightly toasted looking. This gave macaroons that were somewhat chewy. However, I also dipped them in melted semisweet chocolate, and that was very good. \subsection*{Vegan Pumpkin Pie} Copyright 1995 by M. L. Grant \\ This is a very American dessert, traditionally served in late fall and early winter. (For international readers: Pumpkin, citrouille in French, is a variety of squash that grows in a round or cylindrical fashion. Usually orange, it can be grown frightfully large. For Hallowe'en, or All-Hallows Eve, people in the U.S. carve scary faces into pumpkins and light them with candles. This tradition developed from the old practice of using these jack-o'lanterns to chase away evil ghosts on the night before 1st November -- Dia de los Muertos, or All-Saints' Day.) Who'd've thought that you could actually make a squash into pie? We're told that the Pilgrims came up with the idea in the 1600's since they had to figure out how to cook New World foods. If you've never tried a non-dairy version of this pie, or if pumpkin pie is an entirely new idea for you, you should try this recipe. Also included are instructions for cooking a whole, raw pumpkin (more flavorful than canned stuff), preparing fresh pie crust, and using leftover cooked pumpkin. Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 heaping cups of cooked pumpkin \item 2 10.5-ounce (300 g) packages of silken tofu, drained \item 2 pie crusts \item 1 1/4 cups brown sugar, not packed tight \item dash salt \item 2 teaspoons cinnamon \item 1 teaspoon ground dry ginger \item 1 teaspoon ground cloves \item 1 teaspoon allspice \item 2 teaspoons nutmeg \end{ingredients} Heat oven to 375\deg F. Blend the tofu in a food processor or with a blender until smooth and cream-like; the blending may take three or four minutes total. Stop the machine every once in a while to scrape large pieces of tofu down into the machine's blades. Add two heaping cups of cooked pumpkin and blend some more, again stopping the machine and scraping the mixture down. The result should be a light orange-colored paste with no lumps of tofu. Put the paste into a large mixing bowl and add the sugar, salt, and spices. Mix well and spoon it into two pie crusts; top with small bits of crust cut into shapes, if desired. Bake 50 to 60 minutes or until the crusts are dark brown (but not burned). Serve warm or chilled, plain or topped with whipped cream or ice cream. This pie takes about two hours to prepare, depending on how you budget your time preparing all the ingredients, and whether you have pie crust and cooked pumpkin available. As shown, recipe makes two pies. Extra pie filling can be used in extra crust to make tarts. The pie and leftover filling refrigerates and freezes well. When preparing this recipe and any other food you enjoy, please use organically-grown vegetables, fruits, grains, and flavorings. The Earth you save may be your own. \subsection*{A Note on Cooking Raw Pumpkins (Or Other Squash)} Copyright 1995 by M. L. Grant Please be careful if you use carved Halloween pumpkins. Making pies out of your jack-o'lanterns is fine, as long as you follow these guidelines: \begin{instructions} \item You should carve them less than 24 hours before cooking them. \item They should be kept at low temperatures outside, below 50\deg F. \item You should be careful to scrape out the candle wax! \item You need to rinse them carefully and cut away burned bits. \end{instructions} You will need 2 sugar-pie pumpkins, each about 8 inches tall. Cut the pumpkins into chunks, at least 4 chunks per pumpkin. Discard the stem. Scrape out the seeds and stringy material and discard (or rinse and then toast the seeds in the oven and eat them). {\bf Do not attempt to put stringy pumpkin guts in your sink disposal!} There are two easy ways to cook the pumpkin chunks: Bake the chunks, skin side up, on a cookie sheet at 400\deg F for one hour. Alternatively, simmer the chunks in large pot for one hour. Careful: badly overcooked pumpkin, especially when boiled, disintegrates easily. Remove pumpkin chunks from the heat or the pot of water and let cool. When they are warm yet cool enough to handle, scrape the meat from the skin, and discard the skin. Mound all the pumpkin into a bowl. \subsection*{Hot-Water Pie Crust} Copyright 1995 by M. L. Grant Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 1 cup shortening \item 1 large teaspoon margarine \item 3/4 cup boiling water \item 3 1/2 cups pastry flour or 3 cups all-purpose flour \item 2 teaspoons baking powder \item 1/4 teaspoon salt \end{ingredients} Mix up the shortening, margarine, and water until creamy. While it's still creamy and not yet cold, add the flour, baking powder, and salt. Mix until a dough forms. Chill the dough before rolling it out. Use all-purpose flour, not pastry flour, for rolling. To freeze: Roll the dough into individual pie crusts and place in an airtight container, placing a sheet of wax paper between the sheets of dough. Fold the sheets as necessary to fit in the container, but thaw completely before unfolding! \subsection*{A Note on Using Leftover Cooked Pumpkin} Copyright 1995 by M. L. Grant You will have extra pumpkin when you're done making these pies. It's unavoidable, because it's very hard to tell exactly how much cooked pumpkin a raw pumpkin will give you. Here are some ideas for using it up: Place it in a casserole dish, top with margarine or cheese, and bake for 20 minutes or until the cheese is brown. Serve as a side dish. Make an easy stew-like soup out of it. Use it in any recipe calling for squash, or use it in ravioli or lasagna as a substitute for cheese. Add a few tablespoons to bread or cookies. Freeze it immediately after cooking and use in future recipes. \subsection*{Marshmallow Fudge} Dawn Whiteside Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 3 cups sugar \item 2/3 cup evaporated milk \item 1 cup margarine \item 12 oz chockie chips \item 1 jar marshmallow \item 1 tsp vanilla \item 1 cup nuts (optional) \end{ingredients} Cook sugar, margarine, and milk to 238\deg F. Stir constantly. Reduce heat and add chips, vanilla, and marshmallows (add nuts at this time, if desired). Stir. Pour into greased pan. Cool. Eat. \subsection*{Sasquatch} Sasquatch is my favorite dessert. It is fun to eat. Chill and serve, as prepared. \subsection*{K. L. Cake} From Peter Langston (pud!psl@@bellcore.bellcore.com) \begin{ingredients} \item 1 box spice or German Chocolate Cake Mix \item 1 box white cake mix \item 1 package white sandwich cookies \item 1 large package vanilla instant pudding mix \item Green Food Coloring \item 12 small Tootsie Rolls \item 1 new kitty litter box \item 1 new kitty litter box liner \item 1 new pooper scooper \end{ingredients} Prepare and bake cake mixes according to directions in any size of pan. Prepare pudding and chill. Crumble cookies in small batches in blender. Add a few drops of green food coloring to cup of the cookie crumbs. Mix with a fork or shake in a jar. Set aside. When cakes are at room temperature, crumble them into a large bowl. Toss with half of the remaining cookie crumbs and enough of the pudding to make the mixture feel moist, but not soggy. Place a liner in the box and pour in mixture. Unwrap 3 Tootsie rolls and heat ina microwave until soft and pliable. Shape blunt ends into slightly curved points (use your imagination). Repeat with three more rolls. Bury the rolls decoratively in the cake mixture. Sprinkle the remaining white cookie crumbs over mixture, then scatter green crumbs lightly over top. Reserve 1 Tootsie Roll. Heat the rest, three at a time, in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with crumbs from box. Heat remaining roll just until pliable and hang it over the edge of the box. Place box on a sheet of newspaper and serve with the scooper! \subsection*{Mint Chip Ice Cream} From Kludge (As recommended highly on this news group by dawn) Take 2 cups finely chopped fresh mint leaves (washed beforehand, please), add 1/2 gal heavy whipping cream (it's okay if it has carageenan). Soak for two days in refrigerator. After soaking, strain out the mint leaves, and add another 1/2 gal heavy whipping cream. Add sugar to taste (which will probably be in the half-cup to one-cup range), and a cup of bittersweet chocolate chips. Freeze in standard ice cream freezer. Expect about 45 minutes of freezing time with a manually-cranked model. \subsection*{Dema Pudding} Andrew J Solberg How many times have you found yourself half-buried in an over-stuffed, over-stinky couch, fuming at the world and life in general, intent upon crushing the skull of the next human being who dares impinge upon your consciousness? And how many times, when this happens, have you discovered that your only recourse, the ONLY POSSIBLE salvation and solution to your predicament, is to shout ``PUDDING!'' at the top of your lungs, without regard for the disturbance to others; ``PUDDING!! PUDDING, GODDAMMIT!'' you bellow, your voice echoing slightly in the close confines of the sofa bolsters, an edge of desperation and -- could it be? -- homicidal hysteria creeping into the timbre of your frayed, piercing vocalizations? And how many times, after some ten or so minutes of pudding-shouting, has your much-abused and ill-used yet loving spouse faithfully crept from whatever drudgery kept her otherwise occupied, slinking into the kitchen to prepare pudding for her embattled hubby, creating tasty treat-like confections for her ensofaed schnook, anything so long as it will SHUT YOU UP? If you are like me, this happens to you a great deal. Here is Dema's recipe. It's good, and I usually stop shouting. Well, for pudding, anyway. You need: \begin{ingredients} \item 1.5 cups milk \item 1.5 tablespoons cornstarch \item 1 hexagonal box of ``Ibarra Sweet Chocolate,'' easily found on the imports aisle of your supermarket, or you could just raid the pantry of unsuspecting Mexican migrant workers \item 1 pot \item 1 mixing bowl \item 1 stirring implement (a whisk, preferably) \item serving bowls and utensils \item these directions \item a life \end{ingredients} Here's what you do: Put 1 cup of milk in the pot and put it on the stove. Scald it. Put 0.5 cups of milk in a bowl. Gradually add cornstarch until it's all pretty well mixed in. Crumble up a puck of Ibarra sweet chocolate, which is usually used to make a very good and exotic hot chocolate, but if you're reading this recipe you are, very likely, some kind of mutant. Put the chocolate in the scalding milk. Melt it there. IMPORTANT: never, ever let anything boil when it comes to melting chocolate -- be careful. Once the chocolate is melted, pour in the cornstarch mix and stir it up. Keeping the heat up, stir the whole mess with your whisk-thing. Do this for a few minutes, stirring fairly constantly. Pretty soon it will start to thicken. This is good -- DO NOT CALL THE POLICE. When it's all pretty well smooth and thick, remove from the heat. Dispense into individual serving bowls and chill. (Not you; the pudding, dope.) This will only make two smallish bowls of pudding -- just enough to forestall pudding-shouting until the next manic-depressive mood swing. Size up the recipe if you're, like, a total lard-ball. An absolute beast would serve with whole cream and a liberal dash of cinnamon, but such plebians are unwelcome in this God-fearing household. Enjoy, you bastards. \subsection*{Horehound Drops} Gwen Baker, as adapted by Kludge Ingredients: \begin{ingredients} \item 4 ounces of fresh horehound leaves \item 1/2 tsp cruched aniseseed \item 3 crushed cardamon seed \item 2.5 cups of water \item 2 cups of sugar \item 1.5 cups of brown sugar \end{ingredients} Simmer together the horehound leaves, the aniseseed, the cardamon, and the water, for twenty minutes, then strain. Dissolve the sugar and the brown sugar in the tea liquid. Boil until it reaches the hard crack stage, then pour into an oiled tray. Score when partially cooled. Try using a plastic small cube ice tray to make drops. Just spray with PAM, and pour in horehound when cooked. When cool, you can twist and pop them right out! I coat mine with sugar I run through a coffee grinder. Not powdered, just finer. \subsection*{Christmas Pudding} From Kate For this seasonal dessert you should have a special fairly deep china bowl called a pudding basin, which traditionally has a ridged rim which allows you to tie a cloth cover over the surface when you steam the pudding. (My mom has an ancient pudding basin whose glazed surface is full of tiny cracks from a couple of generations of puddings.) Failing this, improvise, but it should be a thick china or glass bowl when you do the cooking. I've derived a somewhat more granola version of my mom's canonical pudding, but this has pleased several Christmas Eve dinner parties, so here it is. \begin{ingredients} \item 1.5 cups breadcrumbs (Whole wheat for preference, not rye.) It's best if the bread is a bit dry, 1-2 days old. The crumbs should be medium-fine, done by hand, not by machine. \item 1 cup milk which has been soured by adding a few tbsp. lemon juice \item something between 1/4 and 1/2 cup organic butter \item 3/4 cups unrefined sugar \item 1 tsp vanilla extract \item 2 eggs \item 3/4 cups whole wheat flour \item 1/2 tsp sea salt \item 1 tsp baking soda \item 1.25 to 1.5 cup of a mix of raisins, currants, pecan and walnut bits, and candied peel. (The candied peel is important.) \item a large pinch of nutmeg, and scant tsp. powdered cinnamon \item booze--either whisky or brandy will do (I've also added a splash of raspberry eau de vie, but frankly didn't detect it at the end.) \end{ingredients} Soften the breadcrumbs in the sour milk. Cream the butter and sugar until fluffy and add the vanilla and a medium shot of booze and blend. Set aside. Beat the eggs and combine with the breadcrumbs, then mix this together with the butter-sugar mixture until smooth. Separately, mix the flour, salt, soda, raisins, peel, currants and nuts until all the nobbly ingredients are coated with flour. Now combine the 2 mixtures and blend. The batter ought to look like cement with rocks in it. Butter up your pudding basin and pour the mixture into it. Allow 1.5 inches or so at the top because the pudding will rise a little due to the baking soda. tie a cloth over the top. Find a cookpot which accommodates the pudding basin with a little extra space. add enough water to come about halfway up the basin, and set the pudding to steaming. Keep an eye on the pot--it MUST not boil dry. put the pot lid on, but at a slight angle to let the steam escape a bit. (The process of pudding-steaming can nicely humidify a winter-dry house if you live in such latitudes.) There is no real limit to how long you should or can steam the pudding. My mom used to do the big xmas pudding for 12 hours, and the more she cooked it the blacker it would get. I'd say 3 hours at a minimum. (The steaming doesn't have to be done all at once. you can steam a pudding for a few hours each of several days running, and then wrap it in foil and refrigerate it until wanted.) To serve: steam the pudding until it's hot. Invert the pudding basin and shake the pudding out onto a serving plate. Pour some of the same booze you used for the pudding into a small pan and heat over a gentle heat, then ignite with a match and pour over the pudding to get the whole thing blazing nicely as you serve it up. Traditionally, a pudding is served with something called hard sauce, which is basically more creamed butter and sugar with as much booze as it will soak up. You don't need a lot of this sauce; a big slab of pudding only needs a dab of it. A pudding this size should serve 6, especially after a heavy xmas dinner. It's rich stuff, although much lighter than most christmas fruitcakes. (It's also traditional to add coins or other insoluble favors to the pudding. If you must do this, add them when you're coating the other dry ingredients to flour them, and {\bf WARN YOUR GUESTS}.) \subsection*{Mozartbombe (Chocolate Cherry Razor Bombe)} Larry Doering The cake: \begin{ingredients} \item 2 tbsp melted butter, plus additional for greasing mold \item 1 tbsp bread crumbs \item 3 eggs \item 1/4 cup sugar \item 1 tsp vanilla extract \item 1/8 tsp salt \item 1 tsp grated lemon zest \item 1/2 cup plus 1 tbsp cake flour \end{ingredients} The filling: \begin{ingredients} \item 20 rusty razor blades (optional) \item 1 24-oz jar sour cherries in light syrup, drained, syrup reserved \item 1 tsp cornstarch \item 2 tbsp rum, Cognac, or Five O' Clock vodka \item 1 1/2 cups heavy cream \end{ingredients} The glaze: \begin{ingredients} \item 1/2 cup heavy cream \item 5 ounces semisweet chocolate, chopped \item 1/2 cup sliced almonds \item 1/4 cup glass splinters (optional) \end{ingredients} \begin{instructions} \item Okay. First, make the cake. Preheat oven to 375\deg. If you're the sort of insufferable kitchen equipment-collecting yuppie scum that owns a bombe mold, use it. If you're a normal person, get a 6-cup metal bowl. Butter it and coat it with the bread crumbs. Leave it in the middle of the counter where it'll get in the way. \item Place the eggs, sugar, vanilla, salt, and lemon zest, whatever the fuck THAT is, in a double boiler. If you're like me, use lemon peel and fake the double boiler with a metal bowl over a pot of hot water. Whisk constantly until light and creamy. Remove from heat and continue whisking until cool, or until you get fed up with whisking and make somebody else WHO ISN'T DOING ANYTHING WITH HIS LAZY ASS, RIGHT LARRY? do it. \item Fold in the flour, or just dump it in like I did, and gently stir in the butter. Scrape the batter into the metal bowl that you knocked off the counter a couple of minutes ago and bake (no, not in the TOASTER oven, you IDIOT! Jeez, Larr.) until a toothpick inserted in the center comes out clean, about 25 minutes. Go watch TV for a bit and knock back a couple of Mickey's Big Mouths while the stupid thing cools. \item Filling time. Chop the shit out of the cherries. Stir the cornstarch and 2 tbsp of the cherry syrup together in a bowl. Put the rest of the syrup in a saucepan and bring to a boil. Reduce by half, about 10 minutes, and pretend you really meant to reduce it by two thirds after you forget and leave it on too long. \item Stir in the cornstarch mixture and boil 1 minute more. Add the booze and cherries. Let cool completely. Whip the cream to stiff peaks. Oohh, I just LOVE this cooking talk. Stiff peaks, hee hee. Oh, don't forget to save 1/2 cup of the cream for the glaze, and for whatever vile sexual innuendos come to mind now that you're getting drank, I mean drunk. The rum's open now, so treat yourself to a couple of shots. \item Okay. The hard part. Unmold (or unBOWL, in our case) the cake and look for a serrated knife to slice it with. I used a hacksaw, and it worked OK. Well, mostly OK. Whatever. Anyway, cut the cake into 5 horizontal layers. Put the top layer back in the mold. Spoon some of the cherries and syrup over the cake, and spread with whipped cream. If you're feeling mean, slip some of the razor blades in too. \item Continue putting the cake back together, filling with the cherry stuff and whipped cream between each layer. Don't forget a layer, or drop one on the floor. If you do, brush off the cat hair and cigarette ash (if you care) and continue. Refrigerate for at least 3 hours. Do a bunch of bong hits. \item Make the glaze. Bring the cream to a boil (yeah, Larr, I know what you're thinking. Get AWAY, damn it! I'm BUSY), remove from heat, add the chocolate, and stir until melted. If you're baking for Chevyn, add the broken glass. Cut a piece of heavy cardboard the same size and shape as the cake (yeah, a CIRCLE, Einstein). Dip the mold into hot water and turn the thing over so it lands on the cardboard. Throw the bowl in the sink and let it sit for a couple of days with all the other dishes. Spread the leftover whipped cream in a very thin layer over the outside of the bombe. Place in the freezer until the cream is quite firm, yes, quite. More rum, my pet? Why yes, dear, don't mind if I do. \item Place the bombe (yeah, craphead, in THIS man's army it's a BOMBE, not a fucking CAKE, you got that, MAGGOT?) on a rack and ladle the chocolate glaze over it so that it's well covered. Oh, right, put something under the rack. (Like Larry's head, for example. Ha ha, just kidding, Larr, don't hit me.) Put the whole thing on a plate and use the almonds to make a 2-inch border around the the bottom to hide the fact that it's sitting on a piece of CARDBOARD, for chrissake. Hey. Put that DOWN, Larr, that's MY drink. \end{instructions} \subsection*{Someone Else's Inspired by Kludge Fudge} Jeanmarie Kabala \begin{ingredients} \item 2 cups sugar \item 2/3 cup milk [preferably cow, but any mammal will do in a pinch] \item 2 ounces unsweetened chocolate [Ghirardelli, you Philistine!] \item 2 tablespoons c*** syrup [I think that's corn, the card is smudged, but I can't believe it says cough syrup] \item 1/4 tsp salt \item 2 tblsp butter or margarine \item 1 tsp vanilla \item Nuts, if you have them and like them in your fudge. \end{ingredients} Measure milk. Throw away 2 tablespoons of it and replace with your choice of Grand Marnier, Amaretto, Creme de Cassis, or other sweet booze. Mix the first 5 things together in a saucepan and cook, stirring constantly over a medium flame. If your friends are out and out flamers, wait til they go home. Cook til it reaches 234\deg. Do not take the floating thermometer out of your aquarium to measure this...it will make the fudge taste like algae. Quit being so cheap and buy a damned thermometer at Williams Sonoma. Remove from heat, add butter. Cool to 120\deg without stirring, add vanilla, then beat the hell out of this stuff for 5 to 10 minutes until it's thick and no longer glossy. It will be about the consistency of mashed potatoes. Shave and generously butter your preferred body parts. Make sure to rinse thoroughly to remove soap aftertaste. Using a wooden spoon or flexible rubber spatula, apply fudge evenly, allow to cool until firm (the fudge, that is). Serves 2 to 6, depending on how much you like to share. \subsection*{Edible G-string} Jeanmarie Kabala \begin{ingredients} \item 1 package fruit roll-ups [your favorite flavor] \item 1 package string licorice [cherry is best, black tends to stain] \end{ingredients} Carefully open fruit roll ups, spread flat on cutting board, leaving waxed paper attached to back Peel back the waxed paper from the short edge about 1 inch on 2 pieces. Moisten fingers with water, then dampen one piece slightly. Overlap 3/4" press edges together. Dust the bottom of a heat-proof plate with powdered sugar, place fruit roll-ups on top. Microwave for 15 seconds. Remove from Microwave, cover with waxed paper, and press softened fruit product together firmly with rolling pin. In the 4 corners, approx. 1/2" in from edge, use a drinking straw to make a hole. Let cool thoroughly. When cool, thread licorice through holes. One size fits all. Optional: While still warm, use a star-shaped or other cookie cutter to create decorative pattern of cutouts. \begin{verbatim} ASCII Art: ____________________ | o o |